Will I be Barred?

Mistaken Identity

2011-02-21T02:20:00.000-08:00

Swiss is shocked.

Since being Called, and finished at CofL, collected his certificate for face painting and plasticine, things seems to have been less amusing and blogable, for which Swiss is almost apologetic, but having get drunk with Bar Boy, and promised he would carry on blogging, he realises that if he blogs, he blogs, and if he doesn't, then sod it.

Yet, only last week, in a County Court within the M25, Swiss was shocked to the very core of his being, in an event that he felt was worthy of mention, if only because Swiss feels that Blogging has given him a certain level of amusement over the years, and its worth sticking with it. (If the material presents itself)

It is worth mentioning at this point that Swiss has in interest in Family Law, and for quite some time has been pitching up in Courts across this fair and unpleasant land assisting Litigants-in-person who are facing the ordeal of trying to persuade a Judge that they really should be allowed to see their children, and that all those nasty things being said about them are either untrue, exagerated, or in some cases, to be worn with pride. I suppose it depends on whats being said, but when a ex-wife says that returning from work her ex-husband would grab her tits and make honking noises, you have to be honest and admit that yes you did it, but if you didn't you wish you had.

Its probably also worth mentioning at this point that due to the way the system works, (yes, surprisingly it does work) it is usually the father that is having the problems, although mothers do have their share of problems on occasion too. Swiss is happy to hold a fathers hand in Court, but when its mothers, he is delighted to hold their hand, but finds it difficult to repress the urge to make those honking noises!

Anyway, on the day in question, Swiss was with Mr Metalaumbongo, who isn't a native of these shores, but spent his youth in Somalia herding goats. He is a nice bloke, seven foot tall, beads around his neck, a protractor under his bottom lip, carries a spear and wears a loincloth and a goat skin over his shoulder, chuckles a lot, and seems an unlikely candidate for the honking allegation.

Swiss trots into Court with Mr Metalaumbongo, sits next to him so that he can whisper in his ear, having consulted his Somali phrasebook, and we settle down to see justice dispensed. (the Family Law variety which is not to be confused with anything you will have learned in your law degree)

The Judge comes in, and this is where it became strange.

He looked at Swiss, right in his twinkly blue eyes, the eyes which are embedded in a face which is usually as white as someone who's heritage has been English for at least 500 years, who needs to apply Factor 50 everyday between April and September, who would dissapear if he stood against a white wall, who is used by Dulux to sell paint, with their new brand of 'Swiss white', who dare not go skiing incase he got lost in a snow drift and was never found again, and said:

'So Mr Metalumbongo, I see you have been in Somalia for the last 2 months'

Bear in mind that sitting next to Swiss is the real Mr Metalaumbongo, resplendant in beads, loincloth, spear, shield, 2 goats and an urn of water on his head.

Swiss's mouth opened and closed a few times, looked at the real Mr Metalaumbongo, and wondered, 'Why did I go through all those years of studying to do this?'

Shocking, thats what it is.

Swiss

Swiss is Shocked

2010-11-02T10:30:00.001-07:00

Swiss is shocked

Look what he has just found in his Spam folder.

If there is one good thing to be said about Yahoo, it certainly recognises crap when it sees it:

Following many months of research and visiting thousands of law blogs from around the world, the team at Solicitorsblog.com have now identified what we deem to be the best law blogs on the internet based upon quality, relevancy, content and reputation.

As we feel the content of your blog fits the high standard and quality solicitorsblog.com wishes to offer, we wish to formally invite you to become a valued contributor of the site for the benefit of the global legal community.

The day that Swiss Tony starts to post anything that is relevant, has quality anywhere associated with it, or fits anybodies high standards, is the day that Bar Boy will start to wear long trousers.

It just not going to happen is it.

It begs the question, are all Solicitors the same, or is it just this bunch of chancers?

Bloody amateurs!

To be honest, Swiss can't even be bothered to be shocked anymore.

Swiss

Scholarship offer

2010-10-28T10:47:00.000-07:00

Swiss is shocked.

So shocked in fact, that he can hardly contain himself.

Perusing T'internet, and more especially the very fine blog of Simon Myerson QC, he spotted something that gave him a wizard wheeze of an idea, which laid in Swisses emptyish head, became fueled by 5 pints of Doom Bar, (a real ale with Toffee overtones, although whilst Swiss thought that it might be like drinking a pint with a Curley Wurley in the bottom, after 5 pints all taste sensations had gone), but BINGO, the idea came to fruition.

SM QC had donated £300 to the Middle Temple(?) scholarship fund, and Swiss thought that he would do a similar thing, but create the Swiss Tony Scholarship for Mature Students.

Oh yes, what a wheeze.

Incidentally, last week, although hell hadn't frozen over, and no piggies had been seen flying anywhere, the impossible happened, Swiss was Called.

Ha ha, now its you thats shocked!

Anyway, Swiss listened intently at the ceremony as each person was called. The one in line in front of Swiss was called:

Tarquin Posonby, Bachelor of Law, Oxford University, Bachelor of Science, Cambridge, King Henry the Eighth Scholarship, Master of Law, Toronto University, Upper Class twat, Eton.

Then It was Swisses turn

Swiss Tony, GCSE Maths, (Grade C), Comprehensive School, Tufty Club member.

Swiss felt slightly flat.

Whilst being presented with a certificate, which to be honest was a cut above the CofL offering, and is now proudly hanging in the downstairs toilet at Swiss Towers, HRH Princess Anne winked at Swiss, raised an eyebrow and said 'Alright Swiss, howzit going?'

Swiss was a little puzzled because from what he saw throughout the ceremony, he was the only person that HRH high fived.

Anyway...

Following on from the scholarship idea, Swiss made enquiries, checked with the bank, made the funds available, composed a certificate for the winner of the scholarship, (And the lucky winner will be the proud owner of a REAL certificate with glitter and everything), and put the call through to the Treasurer of Inner Temple with his once in a life time offer of the scholarship fund.

Swiss is shocked.

Where did the Treasurer learn such words?

OK, so calling out Felicity Parker-Smythe, Swiss Tony Scholarship for old fags, each year might be a bit of a mouthful, but wash your mouth out sir with soap and water, that kind of language is reserved for Mummy Swiss when she has had too much to drink.

Swiss is shocked.

If anyone fancies applying for the fund, which is guaranteed to be a life changing scholarship of £25 (things are a bit tight at the moment), all enquiries via this blog.

The crayons have come back to bite Swiss in the arse

2010-09-22T08:52:00.000-07:00

Swiss is shocked.

Having spent two years at CofL attending regularly at weekends to do crayoning, papermache models and basket weaving, playing in the sandpit and graduating to potato painting and even felt pens, it has finally dawned on Swiss what it was all about.

Throughout the course, the brightest and best students were whisked off to a special room in the deepest darkest recess of CofL to do 'Special work' Swiss obviously never was selected, but the rumour was that they were playing with a John Bull printing set. Swiss feels all nostalgic and excited just typing those words!

Having passed the course, well, scrapped through, but who cares, its done, Postman Pat delivers a fine A4 envelope, with DO NOT BEND across it, and a CofL frank.

Wow, this is exciting.

Swiss gingerly opens the envelope, withdraws the content, and stands back in amazement.

Swiss is shocked.

In his hands, shaking with excitement is a certificate for passing the course. Confirmation that he is a Barrister (well, in 3 weeks time he will be) and that he is a thoroughly good egg all round.

Swiss is shocked.

Did a first year student make the certificate with the John Bull printing set? Its the most useless and uninspiring certificate Swiss has ever seen.Swiss has spent his life achieving the impossible and collecting certificates to prove his worth. All lined up on his wall, ranging from his 25metre swimming certificate, his cycling proficiency, and pride of place, his membership of the Tufty club all look a darn sight more impressive than this shoddy piece of work.

Swiss can only hope that when he is Called next month, that they present him with some form of super dooper certificate to make amends for the pile of pooh that CofL think justifies passing the course. He is thinking a bit of gold leaf, a ribbon, copperplate script and a badge.

Hang your heads CofL. Its not good enough.

The Annual Blog Conference 2010

2010-09-02T03:31:00.001-07:00

Swiss is shocked.

Once again, the top bloggers across the globe have met to discuss the future of blogging, how to assist law students by providing better and more informative posts, how to solve global poverty, and the price of crisps. And not one of them told Swiss they were meeting.

At the Presidential Suite at Inner Temple, last Monday at 7pm, the conference kicked off with a champagne reception, with nibbles, and the participants were led into the dining room promptly at 8.00 to the sound of a big gong thing.

It was generally accepted that the dinner conversation was in the main polite and dignified, although Law Minx was seen to stand up and shout 'Whats this bloody microwave jacket potato all about then?' as she threw it with a remarkably skilful spinball that anyone in the Pakistan Cricket team would have been proud of, directly at the Head Chef, knocking his chefs hat off and into the soup course.

The second course of carrot and parsley soup was canceled, not just because of the chefs hat, but also because Barmaid had coaxed Hercules, her pride and joy of a full 25 hands and plated mane, to carry her in a rendition of Lady Godiva to the inner sanctum of Inner, where he promptly ate all the carrots. Parsley soup is naff, and so the meal proceeded to the main course of Beef Wellington.

Barboy, (why does he insist on wearing short trousers to these functions) cried at this point because everyone laughed when he asked for his meat to be cut up into smaller pieces.

Andropov, who admittedly by this stage was worse the wear for Vodka, tried to help out, as she is kind like that, but the knife slipped and cut one of Travis the Trouts pony tails off. Unfortunately it spoiled the look of her Princess Laie outfit, and only having one ponytail wrapped around an ear made her walk lopsided for the rest of the evening. She was OK turning left, but the toilets were in the wrong direction, and she was forced to walk all around the outside of the building in order to obtain relief.Michael, in a fit of laughing at Barboy, dropped his microphone which he had taken with him and seized the opportunity to interview the guest of honour, Mr Blobby. (The organisers have promised to not let Barboy book to guest next year)

Unilooney was seated between both girls that he has been dating, known as Stalin and Hitler. Both lookers in their own right, but the moustaches looked a bit out of place. Still, Unilooney was happy, and was seen to leave early in the direction of a local cheap hotel.

Pupilbean was deep in discussion with 50yearoldpupil, about the way the young people were being too loud, incontinence and pension rights. 50yearold had just returned from a SAGA coach trip to the Lake District, and later in the evening he professionally completed a slide presentation.

Following the meal, the conference commenced, with LegalyGinge chairing the meeting, with Barboy taking the minutes in crayon. (Yes, the ones he nicked from CofL)

Apologies were made for everyone that runs a proper blog who were too dignified to grace the event with their presence, and short video clip was played by Simon Myerson QC and Bar, who was in the middle of something important, but wished everyone well.

Attention turned to the Blog Awards, and a short introduction was made by Michael and Andropov (who by this time was even worse the wear for Vodka) and the nominations were read out.

It was at this stage, that Barboy explained that as it was past 8.30pm, he had to go home to bed as it was late, so no further minutes were taken and no further information is available, although interestingly, further documentary evidence has come into Swiss's possession by requesting disclosure from the Metropolitain Police, who broke up the ensuing fight which had spilled out into Fleet Street.

Apparently, LawMinx failed to retrieve her fur coat from the cloakroom, and was given a Barristers gown to wear. She was most upset because her fur coat was made out of the skins of 100 hedgehogs she had found at a farm near her house. It was known as Tiddeywinks Heddgehog Sanctuary, but how was she to know, as like a demon she collected them up in a sack for future use.

Hercules refused to allow BarMaid to stick her hand up his backside, again, and galloped across the Presidential Suite making for the door. Michael, being sensible and clever started to remark that she was too late trying to bolt the door after......, and BarMaid gave him a left hook.

Andropov jumped in with both feet first, catching Legally Ginge and Aimless Wanderer in a bear grip, which was only released when Andropov was thrown in the back of a Police van in handcuffs. All the newby Bloggers, of which some appeared, dissapeared, dont blog enough, and worry too much, looked on in amazement as LawMinx karate kicked Mr Blobby, falling to the floor in fits of giggles.

All were bailed the following morning, and are due to appear in Snaresbrook Magistrates Court next week.

It was accepted by all that this years conference was a roaring success, and plans are underway for next years event. Tickets available from Swiss for £450 a head. Cash only please, preferably in used notes.

Swiss is most upset, and yes, shocked, at being left out. He hates to miss seeing Barboy blubbing.

If anyone that deserves a mention hasn't been, Swiss will look into whats gone wrong. Mr Chang, you won't be getting any mention until you stop spamming my blog!

A rebuttable Presumption

2010-08-26T07:57:00.001-07:00

Swiss is shocked.

He has been to a class reunion. Yes, another one, although a lot more planning went into the first event, at which Swiss became as drunk as a Lord Chief Justice and just about made it home without throwing up on the train. This was a bigger affair, with no alcohol. Only 2 of the class couldn’t make it, and their reason was, because they were too clever to mix with the rest of the class. How so? Read on!

There is a legal term known as a Rebuttable Presumption, which to be honest means nothing to Swiss, but it was in the Civil Litigation revision notes which wussie Bar Boy sent and it is in the Civil Litigation Manual, so it must mean something important.

There is a point to this. As far as Swiss in concerned, there is a presumption that anyone that writes a law blog is clever. Looking back, inspired by the likes of Law Minx, Andropov and Michael, and then being blown over by BarMaid and BarBoy, young Swiss felt it best to keep quiet about the flaws in his cleverness, and pretend he was cruising with the clever players. Nobody questioned his abilities, and the presumption that all bloggers are clever clogs rubbed off a bit on Swiss, albeit in his own mind, and he walked with an air of superiority, he pretended he understood hearsay, and was even known to offer legal advice to friends and relatives when they got caught by the Rozzers.

Alas, there is a rebutable part to the presumption, which is where you can show that the presumption is just plain wrong. Finding that all of his relatives are now serving time having relied on Swiss's legal advice, and that the course finished on a bit of a bum note, Swiss wondered if he could maybe slip into a post, in passing, with a flourish and an air of indifference, that a VC was on the cards just like all the other bloggers have, when to be honest Swiss was way off that mark.

Swiss should have known.

Daddy Swiss always looked with pity and an element of distress at Swiss and said that he was as thick as two short planks.

Mummy Swiss, being more eloquent, and knowing far more words than Daddy Swiss could ever hope to, said he was as thick as shit.

What is it with Civil Litigation then? What is it with the MCT's that is just plain unfair, horrible and utterly wrong? Multiple Choice Tests where none of the 4 suggested answers are right. Where sometimes all 4 answers were right. But you only have to pick ONE correct answer. What evil and nasty person thought up MCT's?

On the bright side, and Swiss tends to look for the bright side in all he does, BarMaid was her usual helpful and encouraging self. She managed to keep her patience when explaining for the 20th time that just because the Small Claims Court is called small it doesn't mean its a tiny building, and just because Bar Boy is a wuss it doesn't mean his revision notes are any the less effective. He very carefully had condensed the Civil Litigation manual, some 380 pages worth, compressed, squeezed out the fluff, kept the quality parts, explained and highlighted only what was important into 500 pages worth. It still meant nothing to Swiss, but it propped up his chair with the broken leg, and still does.

Bar Boys notes should be turned into a book. (Swiss almost wishes he had made his own notes but he was too busy partying and pretending he was clever) The Dummies Guide to Civil Litigation would be a winner.

CofL just held the resits. Swiss looks upon them not as a failure of prospective candidates for the Bar, but he realised that they were in reality a class reunion. 90% of the class turned up. High fives all round, cheers and exclamations of delight as we all appeared. Smiles all round, as Lord Hipwell would say. Party time. CofL had to hire the Albert Hall as they didn't have enough seats for all the resitting candidates. Thousands of students coming out of the woodwork, this years dummies, last years dummies, even some from BPP that just can’t cope with their higher demands. CofL doesn't insist on joined up writing.

And do you think that they would make a resit easier than the first time round, to assist people a bit, to get the thicko's through? Nah, bastards. Still vague questions with no answers that match.

The moral of the story, if you write a blog, you can pretend to be clever, but you will get caught out in the end. Swiss has been revealed in all his stupidity, but as his dear old mother would say ‘Who gives a shit’

Swizzle Sticks

2010-07-05T01:28:00.000-07:00

Swiss is shocked.

Only a couple of days ago, Swiss was guest of honour at a class reunion with his bestest friends from the BVC. Admittedly he had pleaded and cajoled them to turn up so it wasn't as much guest of honour as being allowed to mix with the clever people, and sitting outside the pub on a warm July evening all on his lonesome, he felt that they had let him down, until one by one they all arrived and sat before Swiss and marveled at his exploits and hung on his every word.

The merry group laughed, reminisced and laid out their plans for the future. Swiss had a little problem though, which seemed to magnify itself as the evening wore on. Much as Swiss likes a pint in convivial company, he isn't used to downing 6 pints of 'Tail Shaker', and his words became more slurred as the evening wore on.

It came to the point where Swiss was unable to think clearly, and so in a rash moment, totally unexpectedly he announced to cheers and whoops of delight that he was in fact SWISS TONY.

Swiss was shocked.

The cheers and whoops were all in his head, fuddled by alcohol of a greater strength than he was used to, because truth be known he might just as well announced that he had a blister on his left foot. Lead balloons don't go down much faster than the announcement.

Swiss was shocked to discover, that of the most learned and cleverest people he knew, none of them had been following his exploits. None of them had picked up his tips for passing the BVC, none of them had even heard of him before. Have they never seen the statue erected at CofLaw in his honour? Have they not been entered for the Swiss Tony Scholarship? Had they not eyed the Swiss Tony Advocacy prize with envy?

Oh the shame.

Swiss truly is shocked.

Suits you sir!

2010-05-24T08:20:00.000-07:00

Swiss is shocked.

He was due to spend an evening in fine surroundings and amongst the brightest people in the land (No, it wasn't another one of Law Minx's Tupperware parties) and to his shock and horror, he found that his suit was just not up to scratch, and some desperate action was necessary to avert public humiliation and embarrassment.

However he tried, and whichever angle he peeked through his fingers at the mirror, this suit was past its best. Only one thing for it decided Swiss, a new suit was needed.

So off to the shops with a crisp five pound note in his hand ready to find something suitable. He arrived at the shop from whence he was certain that a purchase would not only be smart, but also would last long enough to see him through any pupillage interview that in this mixed up crazy world he may be offered.

So a suitable suit was selected, something that looked appropriately Barristerish, very dark with wide pinstripes and braces, topped off with a bow tie, and so Swiss approached the changing rooms.

He slid into the cubicle, changed into the suit, and decided to go out front to check his dashing good looks and magnificence in the mirror. Ah, join the queue apparently. So behind 4 men, looking slightly silly in smart suits, a T-shirt underneath and no shoes on. Shuffle forward and admire himself in the mirror.

At this point, Mother Swiss who was accompanying young Swiss to the shops piped up, 'You look a right tit Swiss me old mucker' Swiss felt a little embarrassed, and wondered why he wasn't being accompanied by a tasty blonde in a mini skirt like the bloke behind him in the queue. Swiss smiled at the blonde and pretended that Mother Swiss was with someone else. Unfortunately, Mother Swiss leant forward, grabbed the loose material around his backside and said 'Swiss, you look like you have shat yourself'

No pretending now, Swiss had to face up to the humiliation and find a way to redeem himself in front of the tasty blonde.

'I do believe that the trousers are a little on the large size young man, Swiss said to the shop assistant who was twittering all about it. Mother Swiss piped in again 'Swiss you twat, what size is the jacket'

Young man smiled at the further embarrassment and threw in 'Its a 38 large'

Swiss was shocked. Genuinely, how on earth did the young spotty youth know the size of his suit jacket. Thats incredible. Swiss turned to the youth, 'I say, thats rather clever of you, you must be highly experienced and expert at judging these thing sir'

'No, you have the label hanging out the back of the jacket'

Swiss was mortified. Young man went back to twittering, and Mother Swiss let out a fart and went off to look at other styles.

So the next time you see Swiss in a suit, you will understand why he looks like he has shat himself, why the jacket is too small, why the bow tie is red (to hide the embarasment) and why he has no shoes on.

To his credit though, he looks pretty darn smart, dashing, accomplished, and one of the in crowd. Some may say that a silver suit is a little OTT, but Swiss is convinced that he can set a new trend amongst the finest chambers that this fair land has to offer.

Nobody can say that Primark don't stock good suits nowadays. And the change out of the fiver came in handy for the bus fare home.

Unfortunately, and the sad ending to this tale, is that Bar Boy upon seeing him across Inner Temple Dining Hall called out for all to hear:

'You look a right tit Swiss me old mucker'

Swiss is shocked!

The dishonest Chambers

2010-04-22T00:44:00.000-07:00

Swiss is shocked.

Yes, he really is. He is shocked to the core.

As a child, dreaming of a rosy future when he would make something of his life, drag himself out of the Council estate, work hard at remedial school, really push himself, he always felt that he could reach heights never before seen, or believed, by the Swiss household.

He trusted his ability to count up to ten without moving his mouth, to colour in pictures without sticking his tongue out, to say the alphabet without getting stuck on M, N, O, P like his older brother still does.

Having passed a spelling test one Monday morning in Junior school, he realised that if he set his mind to it, if he studied and worked hard, he could achieve anything in life. The world would be his oyster, and he could really fly high.

He will be the first to admit that it hasn't been easy, and there have been many pitfalls along the way. Not least of which was his realisation that he was, despite his good intentions, a lazy bugger that generally couldn't be arsed to do any homework or listen in class.

Through the struggles, the determination, the constant encouragement from Daddy Swiss, who was convinced that if he could push himself and perform well at school he could become a roadsweeper, Mummy Swiss who thought that there must have been a mix up in the hospital and she brought the wrong baby home, because never before had anyone in the Swiss family been able to do a tie, despite all of that, Swiss marched on with a determination and steadfastness that amazed all who witnessed it.

And fast forward too many years to think about, and Swiss is close to the pinnacle of achievement. Never before has this been imagined. Statues of Swiss have been erected by his school, in a bid to encourage others to work hard, he has been featured in the local press, and on the tv, (Embarrassing bodies), he has slogged his little heart out, worked damn hard, tried, tried, and tried again, resat all of his GCSE's in a bid to pass, nothing stood in his way, because Swiss had a dream.

To be a Barrister.

Someone that was honest, reliable, intelligent, respected and trusted. People laughed at him, they scoffed and ridiculed him, but against the odds, Swiss won through.

And then it has all come crashing down. The dream is shattered. Swiss's faith in the system has been shot to pieces. He is a broken man and thoughts of anger and frustration are coursing through his body.

Encouraged and persuaded by CofL's careers service who were hoping that Swiss would succeed so they could erect a statue of him to inspire others, and by Minx who told him he owed it to the Western World to try, he filled in the Pupillage Portal. He saw that an additional question was being asked by a set of Chambers he was keen to join. 500 words on something he would change about the law.

In a bid to discover more about what they were looking for, he took a trip to London to look at their front door. He had seen important people coming and going, he had followed them to try and learn about their movements, (He should have realised that the guy with DHL on the back of his jacket was not a good choice to follow, to Liverpool!), he phoned up on the pretext of being interested in using them just to hear their voices, to gain an edge, he rooted through their bins to learn their likes and dislikes. It would be fair to say he studied this set of chambers with meticulous precision. he knew them inside out.

He wrote 500 words. He agonised over every single word. The meaning, how the sentence went together. How it flowed. How it looked. He was in top form and submitted his 500 word work of art.

It was rejected as having too many words.

He shuffled a few bits together. Still rejected. he repleaced, 'I reckon it is like that in it' to 'Because' in order to reduce the word count. Still rejected.

Bastards.

Eventually, 472 words was accepted! Can you believe that. What a lack of honesty. Surely thats fraud? Bad form? Utter, utter, nonsense.

Can they not count? Do they move their mouths when they count? Is Microsoft Office not able to count?

Its a mystery at the moment, but Swiss will get to the bottom of it, and will not let this rest. he will take this further.

Once he has finished this weeks round with his mobile shoe shine business he will write a letter (OF MORE THAN 500 WORDS) to someone. He just has to work out who to. But in the meantime.....

Swiss is shocked.

Time waits for no man

2010-04-07T01:26:00.001-07:00

Swiss is shocked.

No really, he is. he heard words spoken to a Judge that he never thought he would ever hear.

Swiss, being an amenable chap with good intentions coursing through his veins was asked to go to Court with a friend of a friend who we shall call Dave, who was owed some dosh, having lent some to a work colleague, Derek, in 2002. The money was due to be returned in full by 2004, and when requested by Dave, who seemed a decent enough bloke, Derek told him to *&£% OFF. At this point, Derek seems like a twat and Dave is a good guy, and thats how the story unfolds.

Dave resigns himself to never getting his £3000 back, and time was a healer, and in the end it seemed like too much trouble to bother with.

Time moves on.

In 2010, Derek bumped into Dave, who asked if the money would ever be forthcoming. Derek not only repeated the previous comment, but threw in a few threats.

Dave became a tad irritated at this naughty behaviour, so made an application to the Court for the return of his £3000 plus interest. Fortunately, there was a written agreement concerning the loan, in which the amount, mention of interest and a pay back date were the only terms.

Derek made a counterclaim which amounted to £3,500 for some reason which however you read the words did not make sense. Something about being let down, spending money trying to find Dave to give him the money, and general expenses incurred as a result of the item purchased with the loan being stolen. Little Derek felt that he shouldn't have had to suffer the loss.

Dave and Swiss turn up at Court and in walks Derek, who you could tell was a cocky bastard that needed to be taught a lesson, and Swiss was the man to do it.

The Judge opened up with the agreement and Derek admitted the loan, admitted that he owed the money and waved a cheque for £3000. Then Derek asked for one in return for £3,500. The Judge then, in Swiss's opinion, spent too much time discussing the theft of the item, the steps taken to find Dave and exploring the Counterclaim. As far as Swiss was concerned, it was irrelevant.

Eventually, with Derek interrupting every 2 minutes, talking the Judge down, and glaring quite a bit, the Judge decided that she had heard enough and would pass Judgment. And then the words were spoken. Swiss was shocked. The Judge was flustered. The Court room was silent and all eyes were on the Judge to see what she would do. (OK, so there were only 3 of us in there, but you could have heard a pin drop) The words? Well.....

'Can you get a move on, I wanna get back to work'

Blimey

The Judge began to give Judgment which basically revolved around the written agreement, money was owed, interest accrued, and if anything else had been important to the parties it would have been written down. As nothing else was, the agreement was the deciding factor.

Derek let out a HUUUUGE sigh, looked at his watch, wriggled in his seat and said.....

'Come on for God sake, I have got a job to get back to'

Pindrop time again.

Judge decided that the £3000 was due and had to be paid. Derek threw the cheque across the Court and stood up. The Judge said, AND NOW IF YOU WILL SIT DOWN WE CAN WORK OUT THE INTEREST YOU NEED TO PAY.'

'Oh for God's sake, can you hurry up'

Have you ever sat in class with a calculator in hand trying to work out the interest rate over a period of time, without a great deal of success? Well Swiss has done it in Court! So has the Judge! While Derek huffed and puffed, Swiss and the Judge were finding ever more ingenious methods of working out how many days there had been in the last 8 years, leap years, bank holidays and dirty weekends in Hastings, until eventually a figure was agreed upon, despite the huffing and puffing of Derek, and the Judge pronounced the interest that had accrued.

£3200!

Derek wrote out another cheque amidst scenes of dramatic arm flailing, pen writing, huffing, flourishing cheque book, ripping cheque out quite dramatically, and then launching it in the general direction of Dave.

Lessons learned that day.

1. The Limitation Act works. 6 years worth of interest is handy.
2. Judges don't like to be hassled.
3. If the hearing is listed for 3 hours, be prepared for 3 hours.
4. Be polite and courteous to Judges.
5. If you are owed money, use the Courts.
6. If you lend money, get a written agreement.
7. If someone is in a rush, you can create delay by punching a calculator and giving the Judge a different figure to the one they have worked out, resulting in a 'Lets start again shall we' comment.
7. Swiss is a bloody good bloke, despite his inability to use a calculator.
8. If you owe money, pay it back.

From a £3000 loan, Dave secured payment of £6200. Not bad for an hour in Court.

Swiss was shocked, really he was.

Crime and punishment

2010-03-24T14:48:00.000-07:00

Swiss is shocked

Only today, whilst touring a local Court with his mobile shoe shine business (Franchises available), he was kicking back and just looking about.

The above photo was taken on the steps of the Court. It was todays misfits and miscreants dragging themsleves out of bed to face truth, justice and to repay society for their misdeeds. You can see they are dressed to impress the Court, they are humble, embarrassed and nervous. They clearly don't want to be there, and regret whatever it was they did.

Fat bloke next to Swiss, talking to 'is missis, commented 'This is the first time I have been in Court and not seen none of my mates about' Is this really what the country has come to. Why can't we bring back the birch and sort these wasters out once and for all. Beat any thoughts of criminal behaviour out of them rather than treat them with kid gloves. How may times has that toe rag been in Court, how many of his mates have been in Court, and why is he back for more. Give him a kicking, and then shoot him. That will stop whatever it is he is up to.

Rather attractive blonde (you know Swiss is a sucker for blondes) walked nervously up to reception and says she is there for a declaration for something. She was posh, well dressed, nervous and a little scared. Reception guy says 'Oh don't worry, go over there, sign a form and you can go, nothing to worry about. Bloody hell, talk about make it all easy for them. Swiss would have bigged it up a bit, put the shits up her, and seen her crying before letting her go and sign the form.

Swiss was in a Court in a fairly affluent area of the country, but the customers were all pretty much trashy, dirty, smelly oiks. Funnily enough, one of the trashy, dirty and smelly oiks happened to be a Court Clerk, so maybe the area wasn't as affluent as he thought!

Swiss is shocked. Really, he is.

Lead poisoning

2010-02-24T04:07:00.000-08:00

Swiss is shocked.

He has been busily revising for the forthcoming funny weekend ahead, which CofL has decreed will be MCT weekend. Swiss tried working out what MCT stood for, and the best he managed in his dyslexic state was Maths times tables. Unfortunately for Swiss, he does suffer from Dyslexia from time to time, but following extensive research and medical examination it has been blamed on drinking too much beer. In all fairness to the doctor that suggested he lay off the alcohol consumption, or at least try and keep it within single figures, he had a job to do and was trying his best. When they manage to remove the stethoscope from his backside and he returns to work, I am sure things will blow over and Swiss will be let off bail.

Anyway, the shocking news is that in the instructions for the MCT test, (can you call it a multiple choice test test?) it says that answers are given by drawing a line through the answer by pencil. Bit like selecting National Lottery numbers really.

Following on from the previous post about global warming and killing polar bears, Swiss thinks he is now suffering from lead poisoning. he has been sucking the end of pencil in concentration so much (it hasn't helped) that his tongue has gone blue and his eyes are bulging.

As if the looming weekend wasn't certain to be a disaster all on its own by virtue of the fact that Swiss can't answer a single bloody question anyway, the poisoning is having some pretty calamatous consequences. And to make matters even worser than what they were, Swiss has been banned from the local hospital, and therefore is unable to get his lead poisoning diagnosed. If anyone knows the side effects of this illness, does it reveal itself by uncontrollable wind?

It may just be Swiss's natural state (although in all honesty there isn't much thats natural about his wind), being shut in an exam room for hour after hour of pencil licking concentration, with no windows open and the uncontrollable farting, it seems likely that something will have to give. Last time this happened, the smog that was hanging over the room was described as being like a right pea souper.Therefore, Swiss IS shocked. He is running the risk of being banned from CofL too, of not being able to answer any questions, or collapsing through lead poisoning and if his eyes bulge any further they will pop out, which judging by what happened last time he did that to impress Amanda (her with the fluffy pencil case and all), all hell will break loose this weekend.

Swiss hasn't even got to the exam, and its not looking good already.

Bugger.

Carbon emissions

2010-02-16T01:41:00.000-08:00

Swiss is shocked.

When he travels by train, which is quite a bit actually because its good for reading and revising, and listening to other peoples conversations, he always checks on the Railway Companies website for times. He knows that if he runs like a looney he can get to the platform from his house in 5 minutes. If he runs normally it is only 2 minutes, but seeing as he walks like a looney, writes like one and speaks like one, running like one seems to follow the general theme.

Anyway, checking the times this very morning, and he noticed a button for Carbon Emissions. WTF?

Although Swiss thought the idiocy and stupidity of global warming had died a death, it hasn't yet. The snow outside is all part of it and its definitely warming up outside. Its almost Mediteranian.

It appears that if he drives to his destination which is the other side of a polluted smoke filled dirty city, he will use 15.7Kg of carbon. If he goes by train, changes to the tube, and gets a further train, he will only use 3.5Kg. If he goes by coach it will only be 1.5Kg.

It begs the question again, WTF?

So Swisses car, which the train company know nothing about is going to kill more Polar Bears than going by a dirty train? Hey, hang on, there is a further button to modify the settings according to the make and model of car. If he goes by Ferrarri it will be 5 Polar Bears, but by his snazzy zippy electric car it will be 2 seals and a penguin.

Having adjusted the settings for optimal performance/CO emissions and seeking negative carbon footprinting, Swiss is travelling by Boeing 747 and if any Polar Bears live between Swiss Towers and Watford Junction, sorry mate.

Shaggy Dog Story

2010-02-05T10:33:00.001-08:00

Swiss is shocked.

Law, Courts, Judges, clients, people and the whole darn legal system has done his head in. He can't take it no more and is done with it all

Earlier today, while sitting in Court listening to both parties arguing a point, he was struck by a thought that knocked him sideways and has undermined his whole being.

Family Law may have a slightly dodgy reputation for farcical lunacy and idiotic people, but this really took the biscuit.

Mr and Mrs Smith have separated after a difficult relationship. If you have ever watched that programme on the tv 'Its me or the dog', this was no pretend for the camera, five minutes of fame time, this was real life drama, and unfortunately for Mr Smith, it was the dog that won the competition. The divorce was well under way.

Mr Smith wanted to call his dog Smithy. Mrs Smith, who's maiden name was Jones wanted to call it Jonesy. (Probably after that famous butcher on Dads Army)

Mr Smith had filed his Position Statement in good time, suggesting the name Smithy and backing up his pretty powerful argument with 20 darn fine points which would take some beating. Mr Smith looked confident, assured and cocky.

Mrs Smith had failed to provide her Statement until just before the hearing, a point which failed to win support from the Judge, Mr Woof. Her statement listed but two arguments, but to be fair to Mrs Smith, they were strong arguments and she was blonde and had a short skirt, so it was looking in her favour, and Mr Smith was fuming, obviously wishing he had worn a shorter skirt, and that Judge Woof would stop eyeing up his wife/ex-wife quite so much.

So the scene was set for the big showdown. Swiss sat at the back to watch proceedings, and lets be fair to Swiss, his professionalism had taken over and he was not being swayed by the short skirt or general blondness of young Mrs Smith. (Oh yeah!)

So it was proposed that the dog be called Smithy. It was proposed that it was called Jonesy. The Judge was clearly struggling to think this one through. It was clear that the arguments weighed heavily on his mind. He suggested a compromise. Neither party was prepared to budge. Gunfight at the OK Coral.

The Judge suggested Sminsy. No, rejected.

He suggested Jonithy. Rejected.

The 30 minute hearing stretched into eternity. Four bloody hours! Four bloody hours for arguments to be batted backwards and forwards like a game of tennis. All compromises rejected. All of the Learned Judges suggestions rejected. Neither party was going to back down.

Finally, the Judge said he will pass Judgment. Listen in people, because Judge Woof is about to make a decision.

The dog will henceforth be known as Winston.
Thats settled then, but Swiss has decided that law is not the exciting and interesting job he thought. He is dissapointed that all those years of studying, attending classes, doing homework and writing stuff and nonsense has come to this. Shocking, thats what it is, shocking.

Swiss is settling for his mobile shoe shine business and law can go and take a hike. There has to be more to life that this rubbish.

Swizzle

Swiss meets King Edward

2010-01-17T10:22:00.001-08:00

Swiss is shocked.

Assessment time is here, and what a laugh it all is. No, seriously, Swiss is still laughing.

Colouring in has been done. Swiss did it yesterday. It wasn't as bad as he feared, and to be honest, not going over the edges isn't that difficult if you concentrate. The trouble with concentrating is that you tend to poke your tongue out a bit, and look silly, but hey, look around the room and see 50 others all with their tongues sticking out.

The paper was interesting, but Swiss did learn that before committing crayon to paper, you need to give the exercise some thought, sit back, hands behind head, lift a cheek and fart, scratch your ear, ask to go to the toilet, and then make a start. Starting too soon doesn't leave enough time for the whole problem to sink in which makes it hard to change tack part way through. An event which Swiss miraculously avoided when his colouring in was adapted half way through to create a starship out of a bus.

Always keep an eye on the time, because Swiss nearly didn't finish, but being highly skilled and dedicated to the task, he finished with a flourish with seconds to spare. Next time, he has been asked to not shoute YEEEEEESSSSSS at the top of his voice as he does the flourish. It woke teacher up and frightened the Bejesus out of the rest of the class.

Today, was potato stamping. This is trickier than you imagine, and however much planning is put in, unless you really concentrate it is easy to lose track of time and not grab those easy final marks for finishing on time. Paired off, Amanda got to stamp her potatos into poster paint and make a picture for ten minutes. Swiss then had twelve minutes to change the picture and make his impression, and then Amanda had two minutes to try and rescue her picture. Swiss put up quite an impressive attempt, but to be fair to Amanda, she had a ponytail and a pink fluffy pencilcase and Swiss was understandably distracted.

The difference between CofL and BPP is, as Swiss understand it, that CofL uses the superior quality King Edward potato for its stamping. BPP goes for some inferior foreign potato, and CLS uses instant mash. Choosing the right college can pay dividends if done correctly.

All in all, a nice start to the assessment season. It was fun, exciting, and funny. Especially when Duncan wet himself, Gordon fell off his seat, and Judith screamed when a spider escaped from Martins safekeeping. Swiss is still laughing. The results are out sometime, but Swiss is feeling OK(ish) about it all so far.

Surly not!

2010-01-06T01:52:00.000-08:00

Swizz is shocked.

Yesterday, while wandering around a County Court with his mobile shoe shine business, he wandered through the Youth Court section. Blimey O'Reilly, what an eye opener.

Sitting slouched low in the seats were four youths. Scallywags the lot of them. Two lads and 2 girls.

Surly is simply not enough to describe the little toe rags. Insolent, cocky, rude, impolite and thoroughly unpleasant individuals, the lot of them.

None of them could talk. They grunted and sneered, but words were simply not in their vocabulary, if that makes sense!

One of them was being asked to turn off the rap music he was playing on his mobile. He grunted, the other three laughed, they all grunted at each other and he turned the music up.

Putting aside the fact that they must all have committed a crime, all been arrested, all about to go in front of a Magistrate and be told off and told to be good little children, they clearly did not give a shit about it. It was all just a laugh and I am afraid that Swiss saw red.

Clearly, they felt that being in Court was a distraction from sitting at home watching Jeremy Kyle, but as they would be recording the show on the DVD's they had nicked it was but a minor inconveneince to them. Getting up earlier than normal was probably the greatest inconvenience.

They needed a damn good slapping with a house brick. Swiss can't do anything in the Youth Courts now. Having seen the type of client, he would be done for assault and battery within the first day of being there.

Fortunately, as they were all wearing trainers there was no work to be had cleaning shoes, so Swiss moved on to the grown up waiting room. It has to be said that the clientele wasn't a great deal better there, but at least there was an overall look of misery on their faces, so it is fair to assume that at least some of them had thoughts of regret at being in Court.

Yoof, don't you just hate em?

Swizz

If you don't know now, you never will

2009-12-20T10:16:00.001-08:00

Swiss is shocked.

All lessons have been done. All ticked off the giant calendar in the hall, smiley faces on the chart on the fridge, and there is no more to learn in either Criminal stuff, or civil stuff, or any other type of stuff stuff.

Can that be right? Does Swiss possess the entire field of knowledge required to be a Barrister?

Looking back over the last two years of turning up at CofL, playing in the sand pit, doing potato paintings, basket weaving, raffia work, dot the dot and colouring in, all to the required standard set by those chaps at the Bar Council, is this really it?

Is Swiss now able to stand up and defend a guilty scumbag and mitigate his sentence? Slim chance if the teachers comments are anything to go by. 'Yeah, that was all OK Swiss, but you forgot to mention the sentence.'

Your default injunction was good, but you got the claimant and defendant mixed up.

Your cross examination was good until you burst into tears.

Your opinion was good, but completely wrong.

Your non leading questions were good, but were leading.

Your particulars of claim were good but you forgot to mention the case once.

Is Swiss really able to do anything in real life?

Buggered if Swiss would ever instruct a Barrister if this is what they get taught.

Shocking, thats what it is.

Prisoner on the loose

2009-12-10T04:10:00.000-08:00

Swizz is shocked. (Seems like a good opening phrase, and it tends to be used quite a lot lately)

Monday, Swizz was in his local County Court, waiting to lodge some papers to get an emergency hearing. The counter opened at 10.00 and Swizz was there bright and early at 09.58, to join the queue of miserable looking people.

The doors opened, Swizz was closest, so he stepped through and held the door open for the attractive young thing that was first in the queue.

Big fat man behind her said in a very gruff and sinister voice 'Oi you *******, theres a *****ing queue, and *****'s like you don't ******ing help jumping it, you ******.'

Rather taken aback at the courseness of said fat gits language, Swizz squared up and offered him outside.

Oh no, sorry, that was the story in the pub later, Swizz apologised and smiled as he held the door open (a bit wider than necessary) for the fat git to squeeze through.

Fat git stepped up tp the counter, and, shocked Swizz to the core.

'I am on day release from prison and have to present myself 'ere tomorrow for something or other, but I am 'ere today and it seems like a waste of f***ing time to come back tomorrow'

At that point his mobile rang, he said 'Nah, see ya down the pub in five' and hung up.

Is this really the state of the prison system nowadays, to let crims out for the day, with mobiles, and money to spend down the pub?

Bloody crims don't even need to escape anymore. They just get allowed out for the day to get some Xmas shopping and meet their mates down the pub. And be rude to Swizz. That fat git needed stringing up for that.

Shocking

Skool is grate

2009-11-30T01:55:00.000-08:00

Swiss is alarmed to find that having just spent a weekend (thoroughly enjoyable and the best of fun) studying 'Dot to Dot' and plasticine, there is but one more weekend of frivolity ahead, and then the course all seems to go a bit haywire.

Next weekends studying is the weekend before Xmas, so its sure to have mince pies laid on in class, and the finest fizzy drinks, and if we are lucky, chocolate fingers too. Isn't CofL just the best place to spend a weekend. Its brill.

After that, its a mystery. Apparently, there are options and assessments. No idea what that entails, so Swiss is going to try and ignore it until it can be ignored no longer.

Swiss did pick two subjects to study for his options, advanced basket weaving and international finger painting, but CofL has yet to confirm that he can do those.

But the assessment things seems to have a greater meaning that Swiss can acknowledge at the moment.

There are 8 weekends of attendance required, and it looks like 72 assessments and a mock trial. OK, maybe not 72, but at least 10. Some weekends have multiple assessments. Sod that for a game of soldiers. As good as Swiss is at colouring in, it isn't easy to do it under pressure. Every study weekend has an assessment. Struth.

Nevertheless, there is a Mock Trial at a real Court, with real Judges, and real Policeman as witnesses. Excellent opportunity to knock a Policemans hat off. Swiss has always wanted to do that.

We shall see how it goes, but seeing as Swiss has asked for the Latest High School Musical video for Xmas, and a pair of roller skates, its hard to think about what follows.

Incidentally, Swiss can report that despite his best endevours to study Dot in a very advanced way, she has made a complaint about him to teacher.

Swiss don't wanna play no more!

2009-10-22T19:58:00.000-07:00

It has been a strange day for Swiss. He has been in London and had cause to pass through Temple Station. That's on the underground don't you know. Its the closest stop to where those Barrister types go to work.

Well, where they go to have a cup of tea and hang their coats up before hurrying to the Royal Courts of Justice wearing wigs and stuff, looking rather dashing as they majestically sweep across The Strand, avoiding the television crews assembled to film the latest naughty celebrity to be found guilty of something or another.

So following a busy day doing his rounds of the Chambers and Courts with his mobile shoe shine business, (He is hoping to franchise the business and make some money), he parked his bike outside the station and went down to the platform.

It was 5.00pm. Home time, office kicking out time. End of the day. Time to go home to the missus and say hello to the kids.

Temple Station was deserted. Not a soul in sight.

Swiss was puzzled. So he sat and waited. At 6pm, a couple of hassled junior Barrister types came running down to the platform, still wearing their gowns, loaded down with lever arch files with loose papers flying out to board the train.

7pm, a couple more.

Then at 8pm, an exodus of Barristers arrived, with equally heavy laden lever arch files and boarded the train. Thousands of the buggers there was.

They all sat down, opened their files, took out their highlighter pens, and started work.

Sod that for a game of soldiers. Swiss is not going to be playing that game thank you very much.

Swiss expects to be home every day by 6pm, ready for his boiled egg and soldiers for dipping, watch the One Show and get ready for beddie byes.

After the BVC, failed pupillage applicants moan that they should have given up earlier, that they should have known they would never make it, if only they had been more honest with themselves, they would have stopped the fruitless effort to qualify.

Well, Swiss can tell you that he has made his mind up. This is not a game he wants to play anymore. Sod leaving the office at 8pm, taking work home, and being too late for the One Show.

Swiss is happy to carry on with his shoe shine business, polishing the brogues of those dashing Barristers, and maintain a measure of work/life balance. Stuff the BVC. Admittedly, it has taught him all he ever needed to know about Dot to Dot, and not colouring over the edges, and he loves the way that CofL is sponsored by Crayola, but for goodenss sake, missing the One Show and boiled egg and soldiers?

Never.

I Submit

2009-09-29T03:51:00.000-07:00

When Swiss was a young lad, he often said 'I submit' Usually it was because his older brother was sitting on his face and farting, or had him pinned down and was kneeing him in the ribs. It was enough to make his eyes well up and scream for Mater.

No longer will Mater come and assist. (Swiss always admired the way she would throw a headlock on big brother and fart in his face to teach him to take a more refined approach to brotherly love)

Now Swiss is on his own with submissions, submitting and anything else that involves trying to swing the Judge round to his point of view.

So, last lesson, Swiss is making a submission. He is unsure if he is making the right point, unsure if he has the right client, a little unclear if he is even in the right class because all the other children appear to be looking at him in a strange way.

Something is not right, yet Swiss can't quite put his finger on it.

But Swiss knows he must soldier on. he ignores the little giggles, the looks, the girlies whispering to each other and sniggering. He soldiers on regardless.

The Judge is trying not to smile. What is it. What has Swiss done wrong. he is submitting his little heart out, and all he gets is giggles.

Swiss self conciously checks his flies. He checks his papers. He looks down to check he hasn't spilt anything down his shirt.

This is not nice.

What has he done?

At the end of the submission, the Judge congratulates him on his fine delivery, attention to detail and use of the appropriate law. The girlies are still giggling.

He checks his flies again.

WHAT CAN IT BE?

Damn the new milk monitor at College of Law.

New News, Old News, Crap News

2009-09-09T05:50:00.000-07:00

Last night, despite being a really tired lad, and desperate to go to bed and close his eyes, Swiss wanted to watch the news. There was a clip of a Victor Bomber taking off accidentally with the question 'What did the pilot do when his plane took off by accident?' Swiss thought, Hmm, what did he do?

So he endured the news. Blimey, ENDURED the news. What a complete and utter tabloid crappy pathetic waste of time that was.

The BMA want to ban just about everything and anything to do with alcohol. 'We will be speaking to a mother who's 24 year old son died of alcohol poisoning'

Ah thinks Swiss, good objective journalism then. Nice balanced view. Fair debate then.

Apparently, he was on a six pack of Stella at 13, and moved on to Vodka and then Cider, before falling off the bar to his death. Linking the story to how banning promotion of alcohol would stop all this. The mother wants all kids to see how awful it is.

WTF?

Isn't it illegal for 13 year olds to be downing Stella? Shouldn't the existing law, which admittedly makes sense to ban kids from drinking, just be, well, sort of, enforced?

At least it wasn't the mothers fault. (No mention of the father, but there rarely is nowadays. Probably left her because she kept nipping down the 'offie to get her son another 6 pack of lager) But its never her fault is it. Always blame someone else. Her own son dead, drunk as a skunk for half his life, unable to function without a shot of vodka with a whisky chaser every ten minutes, but its all those adverts what done him in. Was it the Hofmeister dancing bear, or the Leonard Rossiter Cinzano advert what caught him by their evil ways? We can't tell which, so ban then all.

Swiss is sick and tired of this crap.

If ever there was a time to not buy a pub, its now.

One of the things necessary for a good pupillage interview is a grasp of current affairs. Well, stop watching the ten o'clock news then if news is what you want, because the last thing you will ever see on there is actual news. What a crock of shite they are.

Right, Swiss is moving back to Switzerland to binge drink scnapps and eat Toblerones without any poncy BMA interference.

As for the plane, what did it do? It landed again. Humpfff. Swiss ENDURED 25 minutes of crap, AND the weather, (cloudy in the South) and the frigging plane took off and then landed. No spectaculer crash, no loop the loops, no nothing. Up, down. Bahhhhhgggggg.

Swiss is tired and grumpy today and no bloody wonder.

Rude awakening

2009-09-04T00:24:00.000-07:00

Swiss has been kicking back and enjoying the school summer holiday. He knew that there was some homework, but being a persuasive and determined kind of guy, he was extremely successful in persuading himself that 'there is loads of time', I can do that later.

Bugger.

In the last few hours, he has realised his typically teenage mistake. Time is not always on your side, especially when it is most needed. The simple homework from year one is not necessarily the same as year two!

Bugger.

Swiss laid in the sun only the other day thinking about the MCT's that he had to do. (Multiple Choice Tests) Oh how easy they are. 4 answers, ABC or D, and only one of them even remotely likely. The last MCT that Swiss did was to do with Health and Safety on a Building Site. (Long story) Typical question:

You are walking across the site, and notice a Polish electrician drilling a hole in a wall. It is raining and he is using an electric drill. Do you:

A - Run for shelter because its raining.
B - Lend him your drill because its faster.
C - Offer him a cup of tea.
D - Tell him to stop because the rain will short circuit the drill and cause an electric shock.

Admittedly, Swiss failed the test, due mainly to his pride in his new Black and Decker Power Blaster Twin Speed Hammer Drill, and he picked B!

But MCT's are simple aren't they?

As he laid in the sun, he pondered the mock MCT he had done last term at CofL. Not to imply that they are really really simple, but here was a typical question:

See the picture of the fire engine. Choose a colour from your crayons and colour it in. Match the colour to the coloured boxes below and choose the one that you think closely matches the big RED fire engine. If your RED crayon is broken, put your hand up and ask the teacher for a new RED crayon.

A - Red
B - Green
C - Blue
D - Yellow

But, something has gone badly wrong with Swiss's plans. Either CofL have been making iot all seem too easy, or he has been given an MCT test from BPP.

Bugger.

Each question starts off with a full page story about some scumbag drug dealing villian that has burgled, stolen, escaped, been chased, caught, charged and is facing trial. Swiss has an hour to do the test, but each goddamn story takes twenty minutes to read and understand.

The question is then something horribly complicated relating to some practice direction, law, rule, or procedure.

The four options are each ten paragraphs long. It takes five minutes to read each answer. It then takes a further five minutes to spot the difference between each one.

Bugger.

After 12 hours of studious contemplation, Swiss has decided that he has two choices. Either tick all the boxes with A, B, C, D alternating through, and making quite a snazzy pattern on the marking sheet, or complain that his paper must be wrong because it came from BPP.

Bugger

Dissapointed

2009-08-26T02:39:00.000-07:00

Swiss is a law abiding soul. Ever since he was caught stealing his neighbours car and joy riding at the age of 5, ram raiding the local sweet shop for gobstoppers and licorice laces, he has been a good boy. He is unsure if it was the bollocking he got from Dixon of Dock Green, or the way his dear old pater took his belt to him, but suffice it to say, since then Swiss has been good.

Any transgressions have been either minor, or undetected. He did nick the toy fire engine from under the nose of one of his classmates at nursery school, and he did try passing off a cardboard 5p in a sweet shop while at Junior school, but on the whole, if you are looking for good, law abiding and exemplary behaviour, Swiss is your man.

Last night, whilst meeting a friend for a chat, he was waiting in McDonalds. It was a HUGE place, and Swiss suspecst that they were expecting Jesus to turn up because there was seating for 5000. Swiss selected a table in the deepest reaches of the place because the friend had some juicy gossip to impart and didn't want to be overheard. That, and the screaming kids everywhere but the dark corner seemed to help persuade him to go there.

So, Swiss is there, all alone and looking towards the entrance. And in walk one of Blunkets plastic bobbies. Flak jacket, stab proof vest, handcuffs, truncteon, tazer gun, machine gun and notebook to take down particulars.

Trust me, Swiss has a very healthy opinion of the police. He likes them. He admires them. He sometimes wonders why he didn't become one, because where respect is due, they are up there with doctors, nurses and Baby Spice. And here is the dissapointing thing.

Swiss avoided eye contact and tried to slink down in his chair to avoid being noticed. All because although Swiss knew he had done no wrong, PC Plastic could find a million and one ways to arrest him. Terrorist, maybe, he could be waiting for his 'contact' to arrive before going to blow something up, whats in his bag, where has he been, why does he look suspicious, why is he sitting all alone, why is he wearing a bulky jacket, etc etc.

Admittedly, PC Plastic looked across, and wandered off. (He may have only been looking for a table to sit down at to eat his Happy Meal)

But Swiss is dissapointed. Why did he behave that way. Why did he feel vulnerable. What a shocking state of affairs.

He had left his machete at home, sold all his drugs, parked legally, worn gloves and left no dabs at the scene, and managed to wash off all traces of Cemtex.

What a bloody stupid f***ing travesty, when the innocent are made ot feel guilty.

Swiss is seriously pissed off with it all.

Chambers are missing a trick

2009-08-10T09:39:00.000-07:00

There currently seems to be a bit of a backlash against the Pupillage system flowing through various blogs and friends I speak to. (OK, I don't have any friends but if I did they would tell me how bad it all is)

For my part, I am bemused by it all. It has been hammered into my head, time and time again, that I am not to make the sacred ground of Barristership. All the signs were there, and all were ignored in search of something to be able to look back on life and say I made it to the top.

Nevertheless, I am as happy as a pig in shit and therefore not beaten down or upset by it all.

I will continue to make applications, because it seems like a bit of a game, but to be honest, when far more worthy individuals than good old Swiss are being turned down, there is little hope left.

THE LAST BUS

Earlier today, I was in Court. I was helping a poor unfortunate that needed me to hold their hand. I enjoy doing it, because it helps them. They are scared and frightened to go to Court, but are left with no choice.

Today, maybe for the first time, I felt the deepest loathing and hatred of their opponent. I wanted to stab their eyes out with a rusty nail. As for their Solicitor, rusty nails were too good for them. And it struck me, the Bus Stop Rule is one hell of a good reason to not want to be a Barrister. If I am helping someone, and they rub me up the wrong way, I can walk away, adios tosser, do it yourself because Swiss is pissed off with you. That freedom is worth a lot, especially when you see opposition like today. I have seen many a client that I could never in a month of Sundays assist. Presumably I would be disbarred if I had them as a client and had poked their eyes out with a rusty nail. If it ever happens, Swiss will let you all know.

ANDROPOV IS A STAR

Anyway, to the point of my post. Last week I asked the very bright and capable Andropov of http://accedas-ad-curiam.blogspot.com/ fame to do a little job for me. (I should point out that she did once tell me how to put links in posts, but sorry Andropov, I wasn't listening properly)

You will now notice at the top of my Blog that my little award from Minxy is displayed like a poster on a little boys bedroom wall. I just had to have it there to show off, and remind me of my place. Contender for awards, but not giver of awards. Hence the picture for this post. It isn't as far as I know Andropov, although I hear she is a bit of a looker, but it is typical of posters that boys had on their bedroom walls when Swiss were a lad.

Andropov set up this blog, in exactly the design I wanted. No fuss, no bother, no flowers or nothing. She just did the job, smiled, and got on with things. She has also designed the incredibly clever site for Minxy http://minx610.blogspot.com/ (Andropov, I will listen if you tell me again how to do it, but don't tell me in HTML code like last time. Simple step by step guide in English will be best. Write it slowly, you know I can't read fast)

Admittedly, Minxy's blog has more bells and whistles than Swiss's, but she obviously learnt a lot doing this blog before embarking on her pride of place Blog.

So, Chambers are missing a trick. Come on Swiss you old fart, get on with the story. (Its like listening to Ronnie Corbet at times) Some of the websites are atrocious. Awful sites. What they need to do is give Andropov a Pupillage on the condition that she redesigns their site for them.

Thanks Andropov, you have my never ending thanks for setting up the blog, and keeping it running like a well oiled machine. Don't forget to let me know when you visit old smokey London and I will treat you to dinner at Inner. Forget Minx's tedious comments about their baked potatoes. She joined the wrong Inn and is just trying to make herself feel better about it.

Swiss

The votes are in!

2009-07-27T08:32:00.000-07:00

Blimey.

Swiss has been getting on with his stuff, working hard, doing his homework for school, and little did he know that his efforts have been rewarded in a way never dreamt of.

Assessments will mean nothing in future. Aspirations of getting a pass in at least one subject is no longer his goal.

He has been watched. He has been assessed. He has been found to be the best at something.

Last time this happened, he was still living with Mater and Pater. He was mollycoddled and cared for like never before, or since in his life. Anything he wanted was handed to him on a plate, which goes some way to describing the size of the fat git. Pater would work in the city in order to provide more and more for Swiss. Mater would cook and clean and tidy up behind him. Life was bliss.

And then one day, it all went pear shaped. Some people say that Swiss is over sensitive and can't take criticism, and that all stemmed from an incident when Pater arrived home from the office to discover Swiss rifling through the kitchen drawer, where he discovered his adoption papers.

At this point, I bet you are all suspecting that little Swiss was sat down and told how mater and pater has chosen him because he was the best. How that made him special. How he was loved.

Actually, the papers simply showed that they had put him up for adoption, as in the words of papa, 'you are a right bloody pest Swiss'

It was years before he recovered. Before he realised that when dear old pater said pest, he hadn't said best. Until he realised that when he said pest, he really meant %^$£*&^$%.

As he types this tale of woe, even now, tears are welling up for dear old Swiss. Life can be cruel.

And then, BAM, life becomes sweet once again. Troubles are lifted from tired old shoulders, and he can walk with a sping in his step.

He has been recognised as a winner. No longer the loser in life. No longer the fumble fingered idiot that cant speak to girls. No longer the stammer. No longer the nervous tick.

Swiss is a winner.
And the prize? The prize of his life? The pinnacle of achievement?

The Mostly Blonde Charges Award for Expert Colouring in Without EVER Going over the Edges(EVER) Award

And all it took, was some of these:
And a few of these:

Nominated by some of these:
Swiss is a happy man

Swizzle

EXCLUSIVE - Pupillage Portal to be taken over

2009-07-15T00:06:00.000-07:00

A leaked government paper has come Swiss Tony's way under highly suspicious and scurrilous circumstances, and it makes interesting reading.

Sir Hugh Farting-Fartington QC, head of the Bar Councils Pupillage Council has said that he will not be seeking re-election at the next voting round. He claims its for family reasons. Sources close to Sir Hugh (Fartface to his friends) say that he was so busy flipping his various houses that he took his eye off the Pupillage Portal (PP) ball, and the scandalous state of it is down to him. Other sources say that there is a lot of back stabbing going on, and that Fartface did everything he possibly could under difficult circumstances to make it work, but the decision to raise the word limit from 150 to 350 words was a step too far.

Swiss Tony called the Bar Council to confirm reports that the PP has been outsourced to a new entity to resolve, and Lucy Snellsnortsworth, who was gamely manning the phones during this difficult period would only put him through to the right department if he could explain in no more than 350 words why she should. Having done so, she hung up. A fax was received 3 weeks later saying 'REJECTED'

It seems clear that nobody responsible for the PP will admit to being in the country at the time, knowing what it is, or even why it exists, so further enquiries were made via various undercover sources to get to the truth.

Finally, a whistleblower for Kings Cross Train Station (I think he is the Station Master) revealed what is to become of it all.

Secret cabinet talks have been underway since Lawminx started moaning about PP last year, and it seems that the Government have taken control of it. They sat back this year to allow it to nail the last nail into its coffin lid, and are now set to transform the BVC, Pupillage, and Tenancy.

A non party committee has been set up to consider the cost of the BVC and its content. It is to hold talks in secret, and comprises three noble parties. BPP, CofL and CLS. They are promising to revamp the course to ensure that no longer will students get ripped off and given crap lessons, and have revolutionary ideas to dumb down the course a lot more than it is to encourage those less able to pass, and to raise the cost of the course, but to give vouchers to the useless to half their costs so that they can participate and feel part of the process. Students unable to speak english will be given free entry to the course and some lessons will be held in foreign so that there is no discrimination. Mayor of London, Boris said 'Don't you just love the multicultural London nowadays'

Gordon Brown has promised to align the PP with other government examinations, and is to take his lead from the UK Border Agencies 'Citizen Test' For those who don't know, it begins with a demonstration of how to use a mouse, and then asks a series of questions about rubbish. If you get a question wrong, you can try it again. You can answer it as many times as you want to until you get it right. You can even buy a book from HM Stationers with all the answers in it. having passed the test you get citizenship, a nice certificate and benefits.

Gordon said 'I believe that anyone that wants to be a Barrister should be given the opportunity to do so, and not be hindered by their nationality, language, intelligence, or financial position. As a Government, we want to open the opportunities up so that anyone can have a bash at representing our ever growing criminal fraternity. Crime has risen so fast that we just can't expect the current crop of Barristers to cope. The Conservatives would throw them all in prison, because they are bastards, but we feel that if we can get their cases thrown out of Court at an early stage by incompetent representation, we will save so much money from no longer having to pay for prisons, and Probation Officers that we can all go back to the good old days of claiming expenses for everything.'

Mandy Mandelson has been caught dressing up in a wig and gown in preparation for the new term. Alistair darling has been caught with his shoes and socks off, using his toes as well as his fingers to count up just how much money the Government will be saving. Chipmunk Blears is grinning like a insane insane thing, and Harriet Hardman is promising that there will be no men allowed on the next years intake of students to allow for equality to reach a level playing field.

Sources close to Sir Hugh (fartface) Farting-Fartington QC say that if you think this year was a disaster, next year will be worse. Sir Hugh has been advised to not go walking in any woods on his own.

A Government insider was heard to say that the current system is unfair and does not serve the Country the way that all other areas of life do. If the rest of the country is so fucked up that it is collapsing, whats the point of the Legal profession continuing the same old same old way. The sign of a good Government that is really in colntrol is to bring everything to the same level. This government is determined to bring Barristers in line with Teachers, the Police and Lollipop ladies (and men) (Lollipop persons?)

Lawminx was unavailable for comment, but seems likely to have a few words to say about it when she has cleared her hangover. Admittedly, one hangover seems to merge into the next, but she is expected to be sober at some point in October.

BarMaid welcomes the opportunity to pay more for her course and says that if Ho Chow Mong and Fransesca Gratelli, Stanislaw Gregolov and Helga Kreutzberg on her course can get next years lessons for free, and all advocacy lessons in future will be rotated through Chinese, Italian, Polish and German it will be good for racial harmony and a good thing, as they struggled a bit last year with making submissions for no case to answer and she felt guilty at being so good.

Barboy is still just crying.

Andropov is glad that she has finished with it all and never has to go back.

Lost is still lost.

Unilooney is also lost in action. Some say that Stalin girl has him held in a gulag somewhere and he is doing hard labour.

Swiss Tony has decided to tuen his back on it all and is back to selling cars for a living. Selfish bastard. Its people like him that contribute nothing to society that ruined this country. Good riddance I say.

Half time whistle

2009-06-22T08:37:00.000-07:00

And so the referee blows his whistle, and the half way point has been reached. No point turning back now, because it would take just as long to do that as carry on, although the path ahead is littered with unknown obstacles, while I know that the road already traveled has been pretty smooth, nice scenic views, nice people met along the way, and level walking.

Which brings me to the point of my post. A year ago before I began the BVC I worried that I was a numbskull and would be laughed out of class on day one. I worried that I may not be up to the job, that the lessons would be too hard, the homework overwhelming, and the rest of the class pretensious and obnoxious twits.

With the exception of the latter, I have been proven wrong on every front. I have loved the course, relished the lessons (Hmm, maybe not relished!), enjoyed it all. I will be the first to admit that trying to get my head around Hearsay was never going to be easy, and still isn't, but nothing else has been so difficult that I felt out of my depth.

Enjoyable is the word for it. The teaching staff have been wonderful, the challenge has been manageable, and I feel that despite my fears I have done alright.

So as I approach a few weeks off, eight actually, and as I consider the amount of homework I have to get through, which admittedly is probably less than 1 days worth of BPP finest homework challenges, I am looking forward to the second half.

Criminal and Civil are pretty much dealt with now, and advocacy seems to be the biggie for next year, and of course the selectives we can choose, so I feel that the hardest part is probably behind me now, and even if it isn't, bring it on.

So to anyone beginning the BVC in September, you have nothing to fear, it is enjoyable if you put your mind to it, apply yourself and make the effort to study and do your homework.

Of course, maybe its just CofL that is enjoyable.

What struck me as funny yeterday on the underground was I chose CofL because I could get there with a direct connection on the tube. If I went to BPP I would have had to change lines. Blow me down if every bloody weekend TFL are doing engineering works and I need to change lines anyway. Now that is a Swizz

Swizz

Assessing the Assessments

2009-06-04T03:44:00.001-07:00

OK, so you all know I have done the Legal Research nightmare. On balance, I think i did alright. I managed to find some stuff to write about in a knowledgeable way, and made it sound as if I knew what I was talking about. Added a few diagrams and pictures to illustrate my thoughts, created a rather snazzy pop-up section to illustrate the use of the Gents toilets after dark, and ended with a cartoon strip to illustrate my views on dogs.

And here is the clever bit, the part that I feel will make me stand out from the rest, the cartoon strip featured Snoopy. Blimey, I can hear the whoops and cheering from here. I know, I know, damn clever. Not being one to sabotage others attempts, but I did throw in some pretty clear suggestions to the rest of the class to feature Garfield, and he is a cat! Ha ha ha, that will fix 'em.
I have also done the Conference Assessment. Now this is a strange one. The theory is that as a barrister, you meet your guilty scumbag client 20 minutes before stepping into Court. You have the Prosecution papers and need to get your clients version of events so that you are clear about whats occurring when you try and persuade the Judge that your client is not as guilty as we all know they are.

So arriving at CofL, led into a room under exam conditions and given some papers concerning the case. Guilty sod has ram raided a bakery and stolen some pies and donuts, and was caught twenty minutes later by plod with crumbs around his mouth, and 2 jam donuts in his pocket.

I had one hour to read the papers, which was about 30 minutes too much, and wrote down some theories about my client, ready to question the guilty swine about his misdemeanors. (Spell check is quite clever isn't it)

Led to room where my client is sitting waiting. Not to put too fine a point on it, but what a fat lardy arse he was. He was sitting 4 feet away from the table. Well his body was, but his fat lardy stomach was resting on the table.
There is a defined procedure for what is allowed, not allowed, and what is critical to say to your client. Relax them, get them on side, trusting you, putty in your hands. Read carefully, because this will get you a pass when you do your assessment. Follow my words to the letter and you will be fine.

Hi mate, I am Swiss Tony, here to save your sorry fat arse from clink, so listen in and I will give you the run down, and tell you what to say to Judgeyboy. You wasn't there, can't drive and are on a diet. You were in McDonalds eating a Bigmac. Its a set up, and you don't even like pies.

He looked at me through little piggy eyes, and said 'Oh Swiss, when they told me that you would be representing me I knew I was safe.'

The twenty minutes passed in a blur. We discussed chips at length, pizzas and curry. We both like Mars Bars, and Coke. The time flew.

Never before have I had to represent such a nice guilty burglar before, so I enjoyed myself.

Now, I just need to wait for the results to come out, but I have a good feeling about these two assessments. Roll on next year where we have 10 more to do. They are fun, and I like them.

Swizzy

Legal Research

2009-05-14T07:50:00.000-07:00

One of the required elements of the BVC is legal research. You will be given a scenario by your over worked Pupil Master who has asked you to look into what will happen to their client. Its a case of dumping the file on your desk, leaving a note with a few questions on it, and then departing to the Caribbean for a month while they take a holiday, safe in the knowledge that you will discover everything necessary to get answer the problem.

Therein lies the problem with being a Barrister. How can you ever get on when your Pupil Master is an over optimistic idiot. Surely they know that you are an inept bumbling fool that shouldn't be left in charge of making a cup of tea, let alone offering an opinion on a legal issue.

OK, so first thing to do is to check if anyone has a number for the hotel in the Caribbean. Second thing is to let the wave of panic run its course through your veins. Third is to cry.

Opening the file, you will find that the problem isn't quite as bad as you feared. Then you read a bit further, and discover its so bloody complicated and has so many twists and turns that it might just be time to call it a day. You have bluffed your way this far, but you have met your match, you cannot keep up the pretense any longer. You realise that admitting defeat is sometimes an honourable thing to do.

Maybe, just maybe, and you will have to humour me here, its worth making a start? Write something down and see what happens. It might flow, it might convince someone that you know what to do. Stop that manic laughing, give it a go.

Summarise the problem. This is relatively easy, but not for the feint hearted. You have to read the 50 pages of bumf, and summarise it in a logical and easy to follow way.

OK, Mr Smith is a guilty scumbag and got drunk and beat up his wife. She is in hospital with broken ribs, and he says she fell down the stairs. He was arrested, and in the car on the way to the cop shop he said to the copper, I will give you ten thousand quid to let me do a runner. Copper accepts a cheque and lets him out the door as they slow for the traffic lights. As Mr Smith runs round the corner, her trips over a dangerous Pit Bull dog and cracks his head open on the pavement. The policeman realises that he can't turn up at the cop shop without a prisoner, so he goes to the park and arrests a deaf dumb and blind tramp called Kevin. Kevin thinks he is being mugged, so punches the copper who falls backwards and impails himself on the railings outside the parks public convenience. Two man gainfully employed in using a cubicle in the toilets for a pupose not specified to the Parks Committee, hear the screams of the dying policeman and rush outside and nick his wallet. As they run off, one of them gets hit by the ambulance rushing to assist the Policeman and dies. The Policeman is taken to the hospital where he is placed in a bed alongside Mrs Smith.

OK, that was OK. See how it all comes together once you make a stab at it.

Right, what does the idiotic Pupil Master want me to do? Ah, investigate the dangerous dogs act, and advise on what can be done to clean up the park.

Go online, check the cost of a flight to anywhere that doesn't have an extradition treaty with the UK, and go. Just go. Get out of here, because sometimes the law is a bitch and a complicated one at that.

Does anyone ever actually pass Legal Research? Seriously, is it possible?

Bloody hell, I can't read the cost of the tickets through my tears.

Swine Fever and OLPAS Fruits

2009-05-01T00:15:00.000-07:00

Swiss is a worried man. Yes, truly worried.

Listening to the radio during breakfast this morning, he nearly choked on his bacon sarnie. Swine fever is at pandemic proportions. Apparently, the honeymooning coupe who first caught it have recovered and gone home, but they passed the lurgy to a friend who is now in hospital.

The figures announced were that FIVE are in hospital, but they still expect 750,000 deaths, and 1.5 Million hospital admissions. Swiss doesn't like to swear, but what the fuck? What sort of distortion of a story is that?

Knowing that the media have been allowed into Family Courts, he wonders at the sort of stories they will come up with for cases they are allowed to see, but are not allowed to report on. (What the fuck?)

Swiss allowed his mind to wander at how reporting would appear in the newspapers and on radio for the OLPAS Fruity Pupillage Portal. He can imagine reports of 250 Million applications being made for only 5 places. The Ministry of Justice has reported a Pandemic and the imminent collapse of justice in this country. All Judges will wear masks, and defendants will appear in Court in isolation tanks whipped from hospitals due to the risk of spreading disease. Solicitor Advoctes will be shipped to Mexico (so not all bad news then) and bacon sarnies will no longer be served in Court canteens.

The government will legislate on pork chops and dogs will no longer be allowed to eat pigs ears. Any child with a bedroom looking like a pig sty will be sent to a Youth Detention Centre until they mend their ways. Members of Parliament will be given an allowance for setting up decontamination facilities at their first, second and third homes.

Anyone caught giving a child a piggy back ride in public will be given an on the spot fine for £5000. If they are talking on their mobile at the time they will be shot.

You may wonder why Swiss is worried? He has heard that Gordon Brown, stateman, world saver and marvel of government has taken charge. Be worried. Be very worried. It is slowly dawning on Swiss why it is actually possible that what is currently only 5 people with the sniffles could result in 750,000 deaths. Gordon is dealing with it.

As if things couldn't get any worse, Swiss was emailed this article which has been released by the Bar Council.

"The Pupillage Portal has had its deadline extended. Whilst we accept that it has been open for applications for over a month, and we are seeking applicants with a bit of common sense to not wait until the deadline before crashing the system, potential barristers who understand the need to be prepared, to manage their time so that they can do what's important, to prioritise their lives, to bloody well meet deadlines, we will give them another days grace."

Swiss has said it before, he will say it again, 'what the fuck?'

Swissle

Made to make your mouth water!!!

2009-04-21T03:54:00.000-07:00

There is a rumour going around that the Pupillage Portal will be renamed after this round of applications to the Starburst Portal.

Why can't they just leave things alone.

Well, I am not mentioning the word, but I am done with it. I have chewed, tried all flavours, removed that little bit of paper that always managed to stick to the sweet and only revealed itself after a bit of chewing, and am not going back for a month or so.

Good or bad, Swizzy has done his bit. If they can't see the benefits of having me on their team, then sod them. In fact, before they reject me sod them anyway. Nah nah nah nah nah, I got in first.

Back to my day job in ASDA, and I am once again, saying nuffink.

Jobs a good'un

Swizzlestick

OLPAS - I aint saying nothing, right!

2009-04-02T01:11:00.000-07:00

It appears to me that too much is being written, and complained about with OLPAS at the moment. So I have decided that this Blog will be an OLPAS complaint free zone.

Therefore, I have nothing to say on the matter.

I did look for a picture of Marcel Marceau to illustrate the silence, but decided that this picture of me working hard in another of my part time jobs was a better way of putting it.

This is me outside BPP, which I have found is a very lucrative place to stand at weekends for change to be thrown in my little pot. It seems that BPP students are desperate to pay anyone anything to get ahead, so money pours forth from their grubby little hands. CLS students ignored me in a superior way, and CofL students nicked my hat and pushed me off the box.

Its disgraceful, the state of education in this country.

So, I will not mention OLPAS, here, now, tomorrow, or thereafter. I will do it, if I can summon the enthusuasm and work out how to log on, but for now, I am keeping schtum.

You aint seen me, right!

Swizz

Its enough to give you a headache

2009-03-27T11:48:00.000-07:00

Whats the big difference between studying a subject full time or part time?

Its just clicked. I know it takes me a while for obvious things to sink in, but I have realised this evening what the MAJOR disadvantage is in studying the BVC part time. I was happy go lucky until now.

Three weeks ago I was given a pile of homework to do. Admittedly, by the standards of BPP it was a teensy weensy little pile, but to me it was a mission. Lets not forget that I have a full time job to hold down, and my part time job as a strip-o-gram to fit in.

So Criminal gave us four items. Civil gave us four. Ignoring the weekends, because I don't want to study during them if I can help it, so we have fifteen evenings available.

What I usually do, is apply myself to homework between say 5pm and 7.30. Then I stop for din dins. Sometimes I do more, often I do less. I have always managed to do whats been required, I have seldom been able to do more than is required, but that has been the gist of my academic life throughout. I am desperate to change that, desperate to shine on the BVC, but its just not happening, life keeps getting in the way.

Anyway, three weeks ago I did the first session of homework, read the text books, made some notes, checked on-line a little, thought about it, worked out my plan, and job done.

The next evening I was out, but the following one I did session 2. Etc etc.

Now, the evening before the weekend of lessons, I have looked at the first piece of homework I did, and I can't remember doing it. Not one part of it is familiar, and the reason that I think I wasn't responsible for it, is because it is shite!

As my dad would say, Shite on a stick!

Mum would say that if it looks like shite, it is shite! (My parents have a way with words)

So three weeks ago I knew it, now I don't. Tomorrow I will turn up for classes, and be clueless aver something that I did know, but have forgotton.

Had I been doing this game fulltime, I would have read it tonight, gone to class tomorrow, done the business, been given the next piece to do, and how easily it would have flowed, a steady drip drip of homework and lessons, all intermingling into a simple, straightforward delight.

Biggest scare of all, is what happens at exam time? I have flicked through past work in panic to see if any of it did sink in, but its not looking good.

I have a feeling of impending doom before me.

I have a headache.

Swizzle (on a stick)

Don't like it

2009-03-16T11:44:00.000-07:00

I am not sure that I quite like the exercise I am currently working on, and have a feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach. I have a very strong desire to restrict my submission to a single line 'I have nothing to add your honour'

I am representing a young lad who has beaten up a gang rival in a pub fight. The other side want to bring in evidence of him having been previously arrested and convicted for being drunk, and for fighting, and for drunken fighting, and being a general tosser. They think it will convince the jury that he is a bad'un, a naughty boy that has a propensity for getting drunk and fighting.

I am arguing for the poor lad, sticking up for him because nobody else will, but he is a scumbag drunken twat. I know it has to be done, and innocent until proven guilty and all that, but he is soooo guilty that bad character evidence or not, he did it. I can smell the alcohol on his breath and I haven't even met him yet.

Give me five minutes with him in a cell, and he won't be drinking anything except through a straw, M'lud.

Criminal Law is just not for me i am afraid. Any areas of law that involve pressing pretty wild flowers and making daisy chains?

I just don't like it.

Buggered if I know what to do!

2009-03-13T10:57:00.001-07:00

Further to my previous posting about persuading someone to my point of view in 100 words, I have been set a new challenge.

What part of legislation or area of law would I change in 750 words.

Blimey, where to begin!

There is so much that makes me angry. So many things that reduce me to a state of apoplexy. People should avoid me when I even think about some of the stoopid rules that govern this fine and beautiful land.

Trouble is that as this is for a pupillage application, and I just don’t think getting up on my soapbox, or punching people is the way forward, once again the problem becomes harder to deal with.

It needs to be well thought through, considered and eloquent. Not something I have ever been famed for doing. It also needs to be something that I am not that bothered about changing, because when I tried writing about the main antagonising issues that create a red mist across my eyes, I end up bashing the keyboard so hard the letters go all wrong.

So the real question is, what area of law am I not that bothered about, don’t give a flying fig about, but can manage to write a couple of pages about without getting too angry or shouting about.

That excludes ASBO’s. To be honest I quite like them. Mine is hanging in a frame behind my desk. It excludes the death penalty which I would introduce, especially for drivers using the phone on roundabouts. It excludes anything related to driving actually. Parking in disabled spaces is the thing that REALLY makes me mad. Speed cameras… ooh, I am getting annoyed again.

It excludes most laws that we have, but not anything in Blackstones, which are all proper laws and don’t annoy me whatsoever. Ah, so that’s where I need to begin my search. The Big Book of Law. Normal laws, find something with an edge to it, and then write about how I would change it.

Nothing too off the wall because I don’t want the pupillage committee thinking I am a nutcase. Let them find that out once they select me, but not at the interview. This needs some cunning and strategy. It needs thought, and that, I am afraid, is where I fall down.

Crickey Moses, this pupillage lark is a real nuisance.

Dining

2009-03-02T00:36:00.000-08:00

As part of the system of qualifying as a Barrister, you have to get hold of 12 dining sessions. Its obviously vitally important to ensure that anyone that makes it to the ultimate golden towers of pupillage, knows how to eat. So over the duration of your course, one year full time, or two years part time, you have to attend the Temple and prove that you can eat.

In the scheme of things then, when compared with some of the more demanding features of the course, like standing up in front of your class and making a fool of yourself because you haven't got a clue how to present your clients best interests properly., or messing up any of the writing skills because you cannot grasp the fundamentals of Contract Law, Tort or Criminal Law, proving that you can eat is relatively simple.

12 points are required. You get one for the call night, which is the final hurdle, when you are actually made a Barrister and called to the bar. So you only need 11. Attending educational things tend to give you points, so in theory you haven't got to prove the ability to eat, but its so easy anything else seems like hard work in comparison.

You would imagine that marks would be lost for getting gravy down your shirt, or knocking over your wine glass, but its so simple to dine that just turning up, eating and leaving is all thats required. Its a cracking part of the course.

So, Swiss Tony turned up looking pretty darn smart in his best suit, shiny shoes and white shirt, tie strategically placed to hide the previous gravy stains. Hair brushed, teeth shining, healthy glow to his boyish good looks. (I know, quite a catch actually)

All students require a gown. There were racks with hundreds to choose from. Swiss spent a while looking through them and selected a nice black full length number, and became only slightly dissapointed that it clashed with every other student.

Into the big posh room for an apperatif. I didn't find any of those, but had a glass of wine instead. And catch this, waiters walking about with more wine topping you up as they go. (This actually became a problem as the evening wore on!)

Making small talk with other students, or their mums and dads, friends, wifes and husbands, civil partners, and anyone else they chose to invite, and then GOOOOONNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGG, 'Dinner is served' I looked across to where I thought a strapping semi naked man wielding a huge hammer had whacked a massive gong, and was only slightly dissapointed to see a waitress with a cow bell and a drum stick. I know times are hard, but hadn't realised that the credit crunch had reached this far.

Into the big hall. To describe it isn't easy, but its a hall, and its big.

Sit anywhere you like. This is the tricky bit. Do you head towards the good looking girlie students that will make the evening pass with an attractive edge to it, but realising that good looking students often tend to be nerdy, vacant, clueless, pretentious, idiots, or head towards the less good looking students, that often tend to be nerdy, vacant, clueless, pretentious, idiots.

(Swiss Tony would like to make it very clear at this point that all of his blogging friends do not fit into this category, although as he has never met any of them, its a moot point)

One lesson Swiss did learn, was do not sit next to groups of students from the same establishment. They will not allow you into their conversation. Admittedly, you wouldn't want to get into their conversation, and you will spend the evening thanking your lucky stars that you didn't go where they attend.

Best bit is to either sit at the end of a table so there is only a risk of sititng next to one nerdy, vacant, clueless, pretentious, idiotic student, or find someones parent to sit next to, because they at least will be nice to you. Probably thinking that you are a judge or something important.

The eating part is actually quite easy. Waiters bring you the food, you eat it, they bring you the next course, and before you know it, you have the qualifying session under your belt, in Swiss's case it joined the gravy stains.

As BarMaid found, and reported previously, the gown does enable you to swish. Best is to walk past someone and swish, or walk through a doorway, turn left, and notice that your gown is following in the slipstream so you depart the room before your presence has left with a resounding SWISH.

Dining is great, and if you take a guest its even better.

Swish Tony (See, I said that the bottomless wine glass had an effect!)

Indictments

2009-02-23T07:51:00.000-08:00

Now I have found this an interesting thought. Admittedly, I find a lot of the course interesting, but in the depths of this 'slightly less than interesting' lesson, I struck gold in the interest stakes.

An Indictment is a document listing all of the offences that a scumbag criminal has carried out.

Scenario:
Coppers arrest a white, 6'2 and dark haired scumbag for dangerous driving and find a silver candlestick in his trouser pocket. 'No, honest officer, I was just pleased to see you'

Back at the nick, a report comes in for a burglary. Plod hot foots it round to the crime scene and take a witness statement. Homeowner came home an hour ago and found a tooled up scumbag climbing out of the bathroom window. Describes him as white, 6'2 and dark hair.

Following a search of the premises, guess whats missing! No, go on, have a guess.

Did you say a silver candlestick? Oooooh, how did you know.

Homeowner attends an id parade. Doesn't pick the white, 6'2 and dark haired scumbag. SOCO doesn't find any dabs on the window frame, or anywhere. Blasted white, 6'2 and dark haired scumbag must have worn gloves.

Now, to the interesting bit, although to be honest, I think all the excitement has been spent on this scenario, the blues and twos and done and dusted, the tooled up white 6'2 dark haired scumbag didn't give the homeowner a kicking, nobody resisted arrest, no guns, and even more scary, no Police dogs. Police interview was exciting, lots of questions from good cop/bad cop returned with 'No comment'

So I have to make a list of offences that the white, 6'2 and dark haired scumbag has committed.

Theft? How do I know? Crappy witness identification. Could have been anyone that is white, 6'2 and dark haired.

Handling? Well, yes, banged to rights, but is he the thieving white, 6'2 and dark haired scumbag? Actually, did he know that the candlestick was stolen? I would look it up if I could be bothered but I suspect that lets him off that charge. Surely walking around in broad daylight with a candlestick in your pocket is quite normal? (OK, I looked it up for the sake of authenticity, and to prevent clever clogs spouting legislation at me. He has to know its stolen to count as handling)

Come on, come on, come on, says the Judge, list his offences properly on the Indictment or we will let him off, and pay him thousands because we falsely arrested him. What to do? Quickly, quickly, Theft or just handling, or nothing?

For now, until I get some suggestions, I will follow the usual procedure and do him for drug dealing, Public Order, and not putting his bins out on the correct day. He will not see the light of day while I am clearing the courts of white, 6'2 and dark haired scumbags.

Send him down.

Swizz

So what is the BVC all about then?

2009-02-16T02:42:00.000-08:00

When I first found blogs, I was desperate to find out what the BVC was all about. I searched and searched and couldn't really find what I was looking for. I knew that everybody said 'Its not like the GDL, its different', but nowhere could I find what it was that made it different.

So, I started this blog with the intention of covering that, yet have been sidetracked, and generally just spout drivel and nonsense, so here goes for an attempt to explain what the course is like.

Lessons are divided into Criminal and Civil. Criminal essentially takes us through the route from meeting your client for the first time, through bail, the various courts, to hopefully being let off rather than convicted and locked up for life for a crime they didn't commit and would have been found innocent of, had their Barrister listened in class and known how to do their job properly.

So in a typical lesson, we have pre-reading to do before the lesson so we should know a little about what the lesson is for. Say we are doing Bail. We have been given a set of papers for a naughty person that has been bad, and been caught. We read the papers, and find reasons why he shouldn't be banged up until his trial comes along, but should be allowed back into society so that he can thieve and beat more people up.

You then stand up in front of the class and make your application. Explain how he has turned over a new leaf since coming out of prison for the 5th time, he has a new baby (From the course I think all villians have new babies) has a new job about to start soon, wasn't there, didn't do it, its a set up, honest guv.

Sit down and look to the rest of the class who are either giggling because they went before you and theirs was better, or are crapping themselves because they go next. Lecturer asks you how you think it went, you criticise your own performance, they then tell you it was actually quite good, or crap, depending on their mood. The rest of the class are invited to comment, and everyone just nods their heads and says 'Good'

In the first quarter of the course there have been no more than 5 cases to know about.

In Civil, we take a client from maybe a road traffic accident, or defective goods bought in a shop, through making an application to the Court, to writing a Particulars of Claim which is essentially their whole story about the unfortunate incident and why they want money from the other side. Then writing a defence, just in case your client is the villain that has sold defective goods, or run someone over.

I can't think of a single case we have had to know, but all the rules and procedures are in a bloody thick book with wafer thin paper. There are about 2500 pages, and then they give you volume 2! You could roll your own ciggies out of the paper.

So it is different from the GDL. Lectures are not 'you listen to me and make notes', it generally is more a discussion, and is all about procedure rather than law.

You need to know some law though to do well. Contract Law, Tort and Criminal really. Negligence, and breach of contract mainly. In criminal, you need to know what the elements of a crime are so that you can see if your client did commit the crime, or at least if you look it up in another Rizla type book you would understand the elements of the crime.

On the whole, I have found it all quite enjoyable and interesting.

One thing is for sure, it is not like the photo at the top of this post, but more like this one:

Swizz

My Dad. What a guy!

2009-02-11T00:14:00.000-08:00

Having spent ages working on my 100 word persuasive argument, in steps my dad with the perfect solution.

You have to admire my dad. He only ever had one pair of shoes which had no soles when he was at school, and only ever had an orange and a penny for Christmas, had never seen bananas until he was 12, was evacuated in the war to a coal mine where he did 12 hour shifts, and was beaten black and blue every night by his big brother, yet he is the happiest person to ever walk the earth. His toothless grin brightens any room.

I know all that sounds a bit Monty Python, but I know its true, because he is my dad and would never fib to me.

During the war he was on a midget submarine with his mate, Chalky White, and they blew up the Bismark all on their own. He also captured Hitler, but had to let him go when he was given a new mission to go and find Churchills laptop which had been left on the train. He found Lord Lucan living in Wolverhampton. He taught Bobby Moore how to play football. He has even been to the moon, but isn't allowed to talk about it. He has done loads of things and is very brave and very very clever.

He taught me all the essential things in life too, like how to make a pair of socks last a week, how to drip gravy down my shirt, how to swear to good effect and how to impress the ladies.

Now, to my eternal thanks, he has solved the 100 word riddle. Emailed to me last night and given a higher priority to him than the Soduku he has been working on since last April, he is rightly proud of his work, and I am too.

So to anyone even thinking of applying to this set of Chambers, give up, go home, save your energy, Swiss Tony is there, first place, winner, top place, because his dad has saved his sorry arse yet again.

***** God Does have a sense of humour *****

Consider God’s creation and things he has given us.

Tsunamis, eathquakes, forest fires, and volcanoes, floods and disease.

Nothing funny about those is there? So would you say that God have no sense of humour?

Wait a minute, what about ducks. Have you ever seen a miserable duck? Never. Always a smile. Listen to their laugh, is it a bare ha ha ha, or a real hearty, quack quack quack.

And just when you think they may be rather cute after all they upturn and show you their arse.

Now believe me when I say that God had a sense of humour.

Thanks Dad, you are the bestest.

Swizz

100 words

2009-01-27T01:58:00.001-08:00

Here is an interesting challenge. I have been practicing making Pupillage applications and one of the questionnaires I have asks me to persuade them to accept my point of view in 100 words.

I thought this would be a laugh. It doesn't have to be a serious topic, they do say realistic or otherwise.

I thought of:

Carrots DO help you to see in the dark.

Dogs CAN look up. (Watch Shaun of the Dead)

My mums cooking isn't THAT bad. Hmm, not sure I could convince anyone of that except my dad!

I then thought of a master stroke.

'It is impossible to convince anyone of anything in only 100 words.' My thinking being that at the end of my 100 words I would be able to say that if they are not convinced I must be right.

The trouble with this little exercise is that as soon as you lay out your proposition 25% of your word count has already been used up. There is precious little space left to convince anyone of anything

It then dawned on me what a clever task this is. It is extremely difficult to put into few words a convincing argument. Even saying 'That's just because it is' uses up 1/20th of the allowance.

If/when I get called in for an interview I will reveal what I really did, but I am impressed at the concept. It has had me thinking for a few days.

swizzle

Smash Hits

2009-01-18T23:44:00.000-08:00

Last night while driving home in the dark, negotiating a roundabout, some berk in a 4x4 drove into the side of me. He was attempting to cut across two lanes of a roundabout without looking out of his windows. Berk.

We both pulled over to confront each other, and I said 'you were in the wrong lane if you wanted to turn off there' he said 'We will let the insurance sort it out.'

I know people don't like to admit fault, but I was in the right, honest!

While driving the last mile home I thought about it, and feel quite strongly that it is wrong that he probably has fully comprehensive insurance (just like me) so won't give a toss about his stupid negligent driving and will never learn a lesson, and will carry on driving like berk because it doesn't actually cost him anything.

So I thought about all those 'Particulars of Claim' that I have been writing over the last few months, and thinking about all the things he did wrong, and composing my own claim to sue his backside off. That will teach him a lesson and make him look next time.

But in the cold light of day, whats the point. I might even lose in court and have to pay his fees. Surely it is easiest to let the insurance deal with it and move on.

But it annoys me. OK, so my insurance doesn't cost me much, but his stupidity is being paid for by other people. He needs a right good slapping.

Berk

On the bright side, nobody was injured and I will at least get a new door on the car.

Lesson previously learned, DO NOT GO TO COURT ON A PRINCIPLE

Swizz

ps Whatever happened to 'Plastic Bertrand'?

Panic stations

2009-01-10T10:41:00.000-08:00

It may just be me, but what a strange feeling it is to be all of a fluster and panicking about having so many things to do and so little time to do it in.

I appreciate that Bar Boy and Bar Maid, and like as not anyone that goes to BPP, spends most of their life in said panic so it seems normal, but this is a new one on me.

Four months into the course and it has all been reasonably laid back, feet up on the desk, playing solitaire on the pc instead of researching something on Lexis Nexis, sometimes it even being so slack that I don't bother getting out of bed.

In addition to my usual working day, I have homework. Probably a little more than usual, but the last month or so it has been minimal. Then an Opinion to write. I did half of it during Xmas, but still have a bit of research to do.

I have begun to realise the shortcomings of my 'plastic' GDL qualification and the lack of depth we went into in subjects. I end up knowing that there must be 'something' that applies in this situation, but buggered if I can find it. All my Uni books are spread across my desk but I still can't find what I am looking for.

I have then discovered FIVE pupillages that I should apply for before their January 30th deadlines. I haven't tried this before, so I have to invent all sorts of stuff to make me sound interesting. Its actually quite a challenge to write the first one, although they get easier as there is an element of cut and paste when you are doing a few together.

And then WHAM, bang, right between the eyes, PANIC STATIONS.

A Mock Legal Research project. Admittedly, it is along the lines of a subject I am familiar with, which thank the Lord it is because it has thrown me into all sorts of palpitations and sleepless nights. Its one thing to KNOW what the court will do, but quite another to actually pinpoint the bit of law that says WHY they will.

The fact that I am writing this post should be indication enough that I have finished it. What a relief. I feel great. I have been punching the air in triumph which is not a good idea when driving, but hey, I feel good.

Bar Boy and Bar Maid, you both have my undying respect. If you have been running around like the headless chicken I have been this week then I am in awe of you both. This week has been interesting, and I am happy to get my knickers in a twist once in a while, but not constantly. I need a chance to let my heartrate get back to a normal level and catch up on some sleep.

Swizzle

Hearsay revisited

2008-12-10T11:00:00.000-08:00

After a lot of reading, head scratching and nibbling on a pen while wondering, I think I have Hearsay cracked. I admit that although I can now spot Hearsay from a distance, I can recognise it immediately, I can wax lyrical on it, I can entertain my friends with tales of Hearsay, I could write a 500 page text book on it, I am almost at the point that Hearsay is flowing through my finely tuned body.

I have read every book on the subject, I have spoken to academics, Judges, my Mum, I have watched DVD's on the subject, and it is no longer the mystery that it seemed.

One thing I just can't understand though, how did they ever get a hit record?

Hurdles

2008-11-27T07:23:00.001-08:00

This week, I have mostly been playing a witness in a Criminal trial for two pupils to battle it out and improve their advocacy, organised by Inner Temple.

The first trial was fascinating to me. I actually saw the things being taught in class put into use, and I took heaps of notes. Clever lines to use, how to present things, how to approach certain information.

The second trial I helped at, both pupils were blinding, and I would have been happy to have either represent me in a trial. I did wonder how I would ever get to where I am now to be as good as them, but hey ho, its all part of the process of education I suppose.

I do think that these training sessions should be compulsory for students to help out at. Not only did I gain yet another qualifying session, I also learned a lot, so double whammy for me.

If 50yr old Pupil did this training this week, I gotcha. Speaking to him afterwards, (admittedly it may not be him, but could have been judging by the grey hair and arthritic walk), we agreed that becoming a barrister is like jumping hurdles. As soon as you jump one, there is another one ahead to jump, and so it goes. GDL, BVC, Pupillage, Tenancy, successful career. It gets harder the older you get, which could be to do with the arthritis, or less get up and go, although it is tempered by maybe a greater drive to succeed. Who knows.

Anyway, I am in training for the 2012 100m hurdles.

Visitors

2008-11-18T22:50:00.001-08:00

At the side of my blog you will notice the Feedjit Traffic Feed. I only put it there to see if anyone actually came to my blog. I had set up a traffic feed thingy previously which despite the comments I was receiving steadfastly told me that zero people visited, ever.

Imagine my surprise then at the variety of visitors. Yesterday, someone from the 'Central District' came looking for something. I know not what. I am intrigued. Where is the Central District? Is it near Birmingham, or is it one of the old USSR states? There seem to be so many. Fascinating.

Someone from Albania searching for info on the BVC. IS that for real?

Also Ireland seems to have found me in the last few days, as has the good old USofA. To be honest, I don't know if you can go to prison for breaking the GDL, but I guess your GDL is not the same as ours!

Most people tend to be searching something to do with the GDL or BVC.

Someone even searched for 'Overwhelmed by the BVC'. (Was that you again Bar Boy?)

If you visit, please feel free to email me. I did the GDL, so if you didn't get all of your questions answered, just email me. The address is up by Sid the Squirrel. The person wondering about being a mature student on the GDL, I did it. I can probably answer whatever your question may have been. I would love to help. I remember trying to find out stuff before I began the GDL, and BVC for that matter, and really struggled to find out what I wanted.

For the person searching for 'protracter', I suppose you didn't find what you were looking for. My post on 'Draughting' obviously caught your search, but if you can spell protractor correctly you would do better! Still, in the spirit of helpfulness, I have left you a picture at the top of this post.

So all you visitors, send me an email, post comments, slag me off, have a laugh. Just don't slip in, and slip out never to be heard of again.

Swizz

RADAR

2008-11-10T00:30:00.000-08:00

The Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts, have a department that deals with business training. My illustrious Inn, Inner Temple, lay on a training session run by RADA to teach presentation, speech etc to young hopefuls. having blagged my way on the course as an old hopeful, it turned out that there were about 120 hopefuls of various ages, me not being the oldest!

Split into three sessions to teach us essential stuff, and it all looked promising.

Session 1, I was taught to say my name clearly. Essential for any pupillage interview apparently as if I am not clear they would sit wondering through the whole interview just who I was. Lets ignore the fact for one moment that the interview panel are not numbnuts, wouldn't they know who I was? Wouldn't they have written to me and invited me in for a chat? Wouldn't they have my cv in frot of them? Apparently not. They need me to say H.E.L.L.O....M.Y N.A.M.E...I.S....S.W.I.S.S......T.O.N.Y. Accompanied with a smile.

Session 2, and we did facial exercises, and lots of tongue twisters. This was actually the most fun part of the day. Quite a laugh, but I wonder just how useful it will be to me. When asked why I want to be a barrister I will be able to come out with some shite about the sixth sheiks sick sheep, or peter and his pickled pepper. Good stuff.

Session 3, I can honestly say I have no idea what it was about. Quite an eccentric guy who was pretty amusing, but I don't think anyone actually grasped what the heck he was on about or what relevence it had to anything, let alone making us better barristers. I do know that I was on my feet for over an hour and just wanted to sit down.

In its favour though, I did meet and speak to loads of other BVC'ers and found that Hearsay is unfathomable and nonsense, and that the course is alright.

I also believe that Inner temple, and full marks to them, are brilliant for laying on the activities that they do. I may not have gleaned a lot from this one, but have from others and will continue to do as many as I can.

I have been led to believe that Inner Temple is the best Inn for layong on educational activities. It has a Debating Society which I understand Middle has lost now and the others don't, and is the only one to hold the RADA sessions. (Maybe there is something in them not holding it!) I am sure others will be able to stick up for their Inns, but having picked Inner for a simple reason which has nothing at all to do with knowing what I was doing, luck seems to have favoured me. (As it did with BVC provider)

Anyway, just imagine me in a some demented way saying very slowly and very clearly, Hello, my name is Swiss..... Tony. Imagine the cheesy smile on my face. Would you give me a job? Nah.

GDL and BVC

2008-11-02T23:59:00.000-08:00

Before I began the GDL I was pretty confident that I wouldn't pass or get anywhere, based on a lifetime of not being particularly academic or achieveing much!

I began the first year (I did it distance learning because I run my own business which I needed to keep going) with a pretty slack attitude. It would be nice to pass but hey, lets see what happens.

I found that I did enjoy the course. That surprised me actually. Law became fascinating to me. I found the amount of work a pain, and I found that there were just too many things to cram into my little head, but I took the first years exams and passed.

That moment of illumination made me think seriously about the possibilities that lay ahead. I decided to be a Barrister rather than a solicitor. Nothing I could really put my finger on other than maybe a perception that Barrister was above Solicitor so I wanted to aim high. There were obviously other minor factors like not wanting to do a Training Contract for 2 years on crap money, when I could do one years pupillage on a decent wedge, etc.

Advocacy was something that I worried about. Standing up and speaking is not my favourite thing. I decided that I would deal with that and aim towards becoming a Barrister. It did help to have a direction to aim in.

The second years exams were so much better. Mainly because I had sorted out my exam technique, and because I had also realised that it was possible to pass.

Looking back at the GDL it was a hard slog. No other way to describe it. An immense amount of information to remember, and it was all academic. (Not my strong point) I would say that out of our group of 60 students, I was in the bottom 25%. No way was I ever going to excel at it.

I enrolled for the BVC and then panic set in. I was embarrased to tell people from the GDL that I was going for the BVC as we all knew that you had to be good, and quite frankly I was at best, below average.

I wondered just who was I trying to kid. No A levels, left home at 16, no professional qualifications, no nothing. I did have a wealth of experience both from work and Family Law which I felt would get me to the bar, but hang on, I am just not academic enough. Not bright enough. Not made from the right mould. Not the right background. Oh dear. My serious thought was that if I could do the GDL I could do the BVC, call myself a barrister and carry on running my business because I would never be offered a pupillage.

Scroll down to my posts before the BVC began and only part of my worry was exhibited!

But then the BVC began, and I have loved it. It is the most enjoyable course I have ever done. It is not academic, it is practical, and not what I expected.

I did as much research as I could before I began and the best I could find was that it is not like doing a law degree, but I found getting actual information on what the course does, how lessons work etc was difficult to find. I think Andropov the Great gave me the most information, but I was worried.

I have tried to go through the subjects as we do them to explain whats involved, and I will continue to do so, and hopefully I will continue to enjoy myself.

As for my realisation that standing up and speaking was not my strong point, you may have read my post on the LAMDA course, but I also joined my Inns Debating Society, and that has sorted the problem out. I now quite enjoy speaking to the class, and i thelps with quick thinking and thinking on your feet. I will do a post on Debating when I have something good to mention, but I have found it invaluable.

So thats that. The BVC is great

Draughting

2008-10-22T00:13:00.000-07:00

Draughting is easy peasy lemon squeazy. Admittedly I have done it for nigh on 30 years, so should be good at it by now (or out of work) but come on, it comes naturally.

I can sketch, draw to the finest quality on the back of fag packets (Actually I tried that once but the box is shiney and the pen wouldn't work properly), napkins (they fall apart and are naff to draught on), the finest parchment, cartridge paper, graph paper, plain paper, linen, tracing paper and even in the sand. I have drawn at A4, A3, A1, A0, even Double Elephant (Don't ask because I don't know). When I draw on computer (everyone does don't you know) I draw in infinity. Wow, Buzz Lightyear eat your heart out.

I have drawn sitting down, standing up, on my head, even in the Southern Hemisphere! And Wales too come to that! I can draw with pens, pencils, Rapidographs, even blood if I had to.

Drawing boards, T-squares, adjustable angles, protracters, stencils, sanitary fittings templates, Autocad, freehand, scales, compasses, rubbers, razor blades and even angle poise lamps, I am an expert. No one can touch Swiss on draughting.

Draughting is so easy that i am king of draughting. If it needs to be draughted, I am your man. I will be top of the class and get an outstanding with ease. I may even help my colleagues who judging by the way they hold a pen will really struggle with this.

Whats that Bar Boy? Drafting? Whats that then?

Blimey, whats this all about? Writing? Legal stuff? Drafting?

I bought a copy of Pleadings without Tears, and was crying by page 5! It clearly is not working as a book. Misrepresentation methinks! All my plans for coming top have come crashing down to reality.

Drafting? Now I have a dilemna. Hearsay is in my head. I got it in the end. If I let Drafting in, Hearsay will fall out. I know it happens. I have studied law stuff before and keeping more than one concept in your head just does not work.

Drafting? Bloody american spelling. Why can't we keep it draughting and then I would be good at it.

Blimey.

Hearsay Evidence

2008-10-16T00:14:00.000-07:00

WTF.........

This reminds me of the GDL, when they tell you to read something, you read it, and haven't got a darn clue what on earth it is all about. Funnily enough, it is the first thing on the course that hasn't seemed to be completely logical, clear and simple. (Other than Numpty in the class who is clearly simple)

Hearsay:
“Any statement made otherwise than by a person while giving oral evidence in the proceedings, which is tendered as evidence of the matters stated.”

OK, I understand that bit (I think), but you only need to read a further page, paragraph, sentence, or word, and it all goes to pot.

Hearsay.

I think I would stand more chance of trying to understand how 5 kids on a TV pop show could make so much money out of so little talent.

I think I need to do a bit more investigation on the subject and hopefully report back when I know what I am talking about.

Swizz

The Winders

2008-10-10T10:26:00.000-07:00

I did read a very interesting tale about the 'Winders' on another blog, (Paranoid Pupil i think) describing the 'Winders' It is the Bankruptcy court dealing with winding up orders against companies. In a morning, always a Wednesday apparently, about 300 companies hit the skids.

This week I was observing. The High Court Judge deals with people's livelihoods in a very fast way. A certain amount of paperwork has to be submitted, in the correct order, and dealt with on the correct dates. The debtor serves a notice on the company, the application is advertised in the London Gazette, and a Certificate of Compliance with a list of creditors is sent to the court. The advert must be seven days or more after the service.

The court was packed with about 50 Junior Barristers with gowns and wigs. There were some members of the public who no doubt wanted to see the scumbags that owed them money declared dead and buried.

The clerk will call out, '56789 Dead Company Limited' Both parties, if they are there, rise. Usually there was just the one. 'I rise for the creditor and ask that if the paperwork is in order the usual order is given' The judge will check the paperwork (actually that had already been done so he had a series of ticks on a sheet) and said 'Yes, all in order, the usual order granted'

And that's the end of Dead Company Limited. Sum total, five seconds.

Half way through, with about 25% of cases not having the right paperwork, or the barrister making a complete tit of themselves in front of a gleeful audience, we got to '6789 Dead Scaffolding Company' The barrister rose, 'I rise for the creditor and ask that if the paperwork is in order the usual order is given'. The Judge began to say something but was interrupted by:

'NOOOOOOO....' Everyone looked round to see two of the biggest muscly men in history stood at the back demanding their day in court.

'Who are you?' asked the judge. 'We're Directors of the Scaffold Company and we don't wanna be wound up like. We managed to get the old bank manager to transfer £5000 this morning to clear the debt like'

The barrister looked a trifle concerned that the two guys would have words outside court if they didn't have their say, so he stumbled, muttered and tried to slide back into his chair.

'It aint our fault, the stoopid court froze the bank account so we cuddent pay the stoopid bill could we, but we done it today some'ow like'

The other director chipped in 'Yeah, our account is managed by the banking equivalent of Mr Bean'

Everyone looked at the judge. Possibly because these two guys looked as if they meant business and would beat up anyone who would disagree with them.

The judge looked up 'I am afraid that you will find that the whole British banking system is being run by the equivalent of Mr Bean!'

Judges, don't you just love 'em. Heart of gold he had, sense of humour, and top bloke.
The scaffold boys live to fight another day

Doing the LAMDA

2008-10-05T09:34:00.000-07:00

As part of my glorious Inn's educational activities, a session of Lamda had been organised. They have actually arranged various sessions, and as Bar Boy discovered a couple of weeks ago, the Advocacy session was brilliant, and so today I found that doing the Lamda was probably better!

Whilst I admit that I did feel slightly overdressed in my little outfit (as pictured), the only drawback I found was the the skirt was slightly too short.

The session is all about communication. It is run by the London Academy of Music and Dramatic Arts (LAMDA), and had nothing to do with South American dancing with two hot chicks in my arms. I will admit to being a little dissapointed, but I didn't like to admit to my mistake, so gamely carried on.

We were divided into groups of 6 or 7, and following a heap load of relaxation exercises and facial gurning we each had a go at reading a few lines from Shakespeare, which was then praised and criticised in sometimes equal amounts! For some reason I was compared to Bottom! (Must have been the short skirt)

Then came the testing part. We had been asked to prepare a three minute speech which was listened to, picked apart, analysed, put back together, replayed, questioned, analysed again, and then applauded.

All in all, I did learn a massive amount about how to communicate effectively, how to project my voice, keep the audience interested, and generally not look stupid when speaking in public.

If anyone ever gets the chance to attend one of these events, go for it. It was brilliant.

Swizz

Negotiation

2008-09-22T02:16:00.000-07:00

So we have had lessons in the ancient art of negotiation. Some of the class nearly came to blows, and some came to mind blowingly awful settlements on behalf of the client.

Me? I settled in each of the 6 tasks in about a minute each. And came to the best settlements in the whole class. Therefore, I am worried. Am I the best negotiator since Inspector Frost or was I just lucky? I suspect the latter. I don't think that the Police will be calling on my to resolve hostage situations, or to talk desperate people down from tall buildings.

I read the case, assessed the points that were not agreed, and then decided what a fair settlement would be. Worked the discussion to the point that what I said was fair, so how could you refuse it. If you do refuse it you are an idiot. They accepted it, job done. in fact, I even pushed things to gain more than I thought was fair.

I wonder if my experience with Family Law negotiations has made it seem this simple, or my nagging doubt that I was just lucky and the proper assessed negotiation will be a different kettle of fish and I will lose out completely.

I assumed that there must be something on the course that I will be good at, but now that I may have found it I am suspicious.

I have read all the stuff I can find on negotiation and I have used one approach out of the five suggested. Compromising. (Possibly a little collaborating too). I have yet to try using competing, avoiding or accommodating.

So, other than being argumentative with people and being a complete bully in any discussions I have on a daily basis, such as negotiating the television for the evening rather than just accept that watching re-runs of Strictly Come Dancing is easiest for a quiet life, or insisting that I do not want sausages for dinner, but would prefer steak, and then negotiate a settlement that includes chips. Chips seems good to me whatever comes with it!

What to do? Any suggestions for good books to read, or methods of getting some practice that won't bring me close to divorce or losing all of my business clients and friends?

Swizz

The Yoof of today

2008-09-15T11:17:00.000-07:00

Waiting on the local train station this evening, I noticed a yoof speaking on his mobile.

'I know who he f***ing is and I will f***ing kill the little f***er. If he f***ing touches my f***ing bruvver I will f***ing kill him. I will defend my f***ing bruvver to the death.

'Nah mate, I can't tell you 'is f***ing name cos some bloke is ere listening and if 'e reads in the f***ing papers tomorrow that the little f***er is dead he will know it was f***ing me wot done it like'

'Yeah, thats f***ing right mate, I will nip 'ome and get me f***ing baseball bat and f***ing smash his head it. I will f***ing bury him I f***ing will.'

The surprising thing is that having listened to this little tirade, the part i found most disturbing was that he was going to kill him with a baseball bat and not a knife.

Obviously knife crime is on the wane. There will be a new law before Christmas banning people from walking about with sports equipment in public.

So if I read tomorrow that some f***er has had his head stoved in by an unknown assailant with a baseball bat, I won't be able to describe the yoof, remember that at 5.15 he was on Platform 4 and caught the train to the coast, all of which was caught by CCTV.

Yoof. Don't you just love 'em.

Big School

2008-09-03T03:11:00.000-07:00

OK OK, so you all keep asking, 'What was it really like?'

Although 10 minutes late, I still had to join a queue for 'processing'. Checking Degree results (Or GDL in my case) to ensure that we had passed, checking that we had joined an Inn, and that was me processed.

All sorts of admin stuff, photos, locker keys, manuals, books and stuff.

Then a few lectures on how important attendance is, how we will be split into small groups, met by teachers and taken to our classes.

Further chat about attendance. The course content was run through and off for dinner.

Then another chat on attendance and it was nearly home time.

The next day we had a further reminder about attendance and we began Criminal stuff. It seems that we will be following a case from arrest through to sending the thieving scumbag to solitary confinement and being raped in the showers. Obviously he isn't guilty until proven guilty, but I have phoned ahead to Broadmoor to reserve him a place. I know he did it. I can tell.

So far it is all very interesting and completely new to me. I checked through the reading and preparation that I must get through before the next weekend and it is a heck of a lot more than I thought. Maybe I will need to reduce my working hours to cope. I may have winged the GDL, but I get the feeling that this will require a bit more devotion.

All in all, a good start. I enjoyed it, the class seem a decent bunch, nobody seems to be big headed or obnoxious, and once I get through the huge pile of preparation I have for the next weekends lesson I will try and work out a timetable for myself and a method of coping.

I have found though that although I am reading stuff it isn't sinking in. I see the words in the book but that's as far as they go at the moment. Looks like I may need to read things twice!

Now, what was it they said about attendance?

Swizz

ps In the photo, I am in the back row between the two girlies. I have a compass in the heel of my Clarkes shoes and a spider in a matchbox in my pocket. Oh, its great being back at school

Class Numpty

2008-08-29T14:09:00.000-07:00

Day One in the Big Learning House and its official, I am not the class Numpty.

(And I didn't cry once!)

Swizz

First day at school

2008-08-28T10:57:00.000-07:00

Well this is it then. Tomorrow morning, bright eyed and bushy tailed I will board the train to the big city and see what entertainment my provider can lay on for me.

I am slightly worried about being the class numpty, crying my eyes out at the school gates, feigning a tummy ache and getting mummy to come and collect me, or pulling some girls pig tails so that I get expelled.

I don't think I was this worried the day before I joined the army!

If anyone else is starting the BVC tomorrow, and sees a little lost soul, on his own in the playground with nobody to talk to, take pity on me and come and hold my hand.

If you are blonde with long legs, then don't let go!

Make sure you tune in tomorrow to see how tough I was, how I kicked arse and didn't cry once.

Its all very strange today.

Swizz

New Look

2008-08-15T11:49:00.000-07:00

Hey, what do you think of the snazzy new look?

A certain BVC success that should be turning down pupillages because she had too many offers, but is instead selling funerals did it for me.

What a girl. Andropov the Great she is known by from now on.

Andropov, you forgot to tell me how to do those clever hyperlink things, because I would have put one in at this stage.

**************

Just there in big bold letters.

http://accedas-ad-curiam.blogspot.com/

(Did that do it?)

Just in case it didn't, check the link to the right of the screen to Androids Reminiscences.

She is a right clever girl don't you know.

Swizz

Worried

2008-08-14T06:51:00.001-07:00

As all of you that know me, well, OK, so thats none of you, will know that I do not look anything like the dear old Julie, but looking for something suitable to demonstrate my current mindset of worried I came across this image, and what a girl she is. What a cracker.

My dad always fancied her, and now I can see why. Move over Dawn French, Julie's here.

Anyway, worried. yes, I undoubtedly am. Its this BVC business that got me all wobbly and fretting.

Hang on a mo, I need to get my thoughts back into order before continuing. That picture of Julie has me all a quiver.

Right, I am and have been for several weeks been uncertain about this BVC business. I am not sure that i am cut out for it really. The job of barrister I think I will be fine with. I have seen them at work, I have negotiated with them, been complimented by them at my sharp and quick thinking in court, had a couple of them on the run in court, (been thrashed a few times as well of course!), so the eventual job holds no fear, its just the next 2 years that has me uncertain.

Maybe despite all my blog reading I am unsure what the course is actually like. What are the classes like. Will I look a numpty?

The icing on the cake was my lovely provider, who seems better than Barmaids and Bar Boys already, has given me about 2500 multiple choice questions to get my grey matter thinking about law again. To remind me of the basics so that I can hit the ground running.

I started on Contract Law. I enjoyed that. I got good marks for it. I understood it all. So the first 10 questions. Offer and Acceptance. The Postal Rule. Easy peasy. I can do that standing on my head. offers, counter offers, silence, auctions, telex machines, Butler Machine Tool, Boots Pharmacutical, Hyde v Wrench, bring them on, I can do them in my sleep.

I got 3/10. ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I am now too scared to try then next 10. I only have another 2490 questions to do and I am like a rabbit caught in the headlights.

Worst thing about it, I used my text books and still got 3/10!!!

If I thought I was worried before, I am in desperate need of a brain transplant.

Blimey.

Abandon all hope.

Crikey Moses.

The only good thing that has happened in the last 24 hours was finding that picture of Julie.

Swizz

ps That wasn't thunder you heard earlier today, it was Dawn rolling over!

My day in court

2008-07-18T06:58:00.001-07:00

Having realised that the more legal experience I can get the better it will help me in securing the ever elusive Puppilage, I have returned to my old game of attending court with people as a McKenzie Friend. (McKenzie v McKenzie, a lay adviser to accompany a litigant in person into court)

Without divulging too much information, on Monday I accompanied a guy to court who had not been dealing with his case very well. Not turning up for hearings wasn't the best approach. Anyway, he is trying to get to see his 18 month old son, but is accused of being a bit free and easy with his fists. No evidence supplied, just mums word, and in the world of the Family Courts thats usually enough to condemn him to a contact centre.

Contact Centres are usually, if not always, run by volunteers to ensure that the children are safe. This is done by supervising the parent who is accused of being violent. The child goes into a room, the parent (Oh for goodness sake, I will call him Dad) is allowed in under the supervision of an adult who will watch how they interact and who will hit the alarm button if dad starts thumping the little kids. The superviser is likely to be an 18 year old trainee social worker who thinks that the dad is a bit stressed and not behaving normally. (Oh I wonder why!). I think one of the things that upsets him a little is Mum turning up with the child being held in her boyfriends arms, while they call dad names and laugh at him.

Anyway, after a year in a contact centre, because Mum said that he said some nasty things to her and bent her finger back, he came close to moving on to a tad more than 3 hours a fortnight under supervision.

We arrived in court and a very smart and efficient looking Barrister came over and asked me if I was the dad. That would be funny if you knew what I looked like and how Patel would not fit the image. I said I was his Mckenzie friend (MF). He asked if I had any legal training, which is totally irrelevant as anyone can do this. I said 'Funny you should ask, I am starting the BVC next month'

When we got into court, Mr Barrister introduced the parties and said 'And this is fathers McKenzie friend, Swiss Tony who is beginning the BVC next month.

Judgy boy looked over his glasses at me, smiled and said 'Good luck with the BVC Swiss'

Oh, how I feel part of the Boys Club now. I am in. Accepted, One of the boys. I will expect invites to lunch with the judge next time.

The hearing opened, the hearing closed. Another 6 months due to a Psychiatric Assessment of the dad not being available.

Family Law stinks.

I have been weighed, measured, and found to be just about average!

2008-07-16T00:23:00.000-07:00

So the postie knocked on the door. Big padded envelope handed over. Postmark indicated it was from Uni.

Opened it up wondering why it was such a large envolope and discovered my research project had been returned. 5499 words on Health and Safety law in the Construction Industry. (We were allowed 5000 words plus 10%) Blow me down if I hadn't got a distinction for it. While my 'tutor' overseeing my efforts was the most laid back and easy going lecturer at Uni he hadn't marked it, so I was well chuffed with that.

Out came a further pile of papers. Scanning down the page, pass, pass, pass, pass, pass, pass, pass, pass. All eight units done. All passed. I even got a distinction in Public Law which was nice, and a merit in the other two exams for this year. What let me down dismally though was the written assignments.

Now to the failed assignment. As it was just the one, and was between 35 and 40%, it has been compensated. I checked with the Uni and they said its fine, a pass is a pass. I can retake the assignment to get rid of the compensation, but if I fail it again I get one more shot, and if that fails I lose the whole lot. I did get 65 in the Equity and trusts exam, so I am sure I can do it, but do I want to risk it?

I checked with the Bar Council and they said its OK. I checked with the BVC provider and they said if the Bar Council are OK then they are happy, but get written confirmation from them first. trying to do that now.

But the big question is, do I redo the assignment? I hated Equity and trusts with a vengeance but just before the exam I read a book I bought on ebay which opened it up to me and I quite enjoyed it. It all made sense. So while I have time (oh yeah, as if), no other career pressures, and the will to get it right, should I put the whole GDL pass at risk and give it a go, or let sleeping dogs lie?

My overall mark was 58, with 60 being a Merit, which I assume is 2:1 land, so for a hard working old'un I think I did alright.

So undecided at the moment, but with the BVC starting in about 5 weeks time I can do it now, but would prefer to leave well alone providing it won't come back and bite me later on, perhaps at a pupillage interview, 'Oh, so you accepted a poor result and did nothing about it?' 'Didn't bother making that last bit of effort?', 'Sorry, we don't accept compensated passes'

Any views?

Well thats done it now

2008-06-17T23:57:00.001-07:00

Exams all done. I think I did alright but the proof is in the pudding as they say, even when it isn't a cookery exam.

Why is it always so hot and sunny on exam days?

Why do I keep thinking of little bits I forgot to write?

Why is revising so mind numbingly boring?

Apparently the new assignment I need to do will be with me in the next couple of weeks, so that will fill some time. Meanwhile, back to working 12 hour days again I suppose.

Swizz

My Great Seat of Learning

2008-06-05T01:34:00.000-07:00

Reposed at my grand seat of learning I am trying to get all fired up for exams on Monday. Tuesday. Wednesday.

Its not easy is it. I can read it, understand it, read the next bit, understand that but forget the first, and so it goes on in a vicious cycle of cramming information in one end and it falling out the other.

This time next week it will all be over. Done and dusted. Pass or fail. Hired or fired.

I can then replace all of the books slotted into my great seat with new ones on far flung topics to do with the BVC. Or just the Beano.

Oh well.

Swizz

GDL in 28 days

2008-05-06T04:03:00.000-07:00

Have you seen those massive computer books telling you that it is easy to learn Visual Basic in 21 days, or Windows programming in 28 days?

Well, I have done the GDL in 28 days!

How is that possible I hear you ask. Piece of cake. Even better than that, each of the core subjects has been done in 24 hours!

Crikey Moses.

The Graduate Diploma in Law is a conversion course to take you from a degree in anything to a degree in law. I noticed that I think its Nottingham, if you do the LPC or BVC with them you automatically get the LLB to use after your name. If you haven't already get a degree like me, you can obtain a 'Certificate of Academic Standing' from either the Law Society or Bar Council to get you onto the course.

The GDL comprises Criminal law, Tort, Land, European, Public, Contract and Equity's and trusts. You also have to do a 5000 word research project.

How did I do it all in 28 days?

Distance learning. Not for the faint hearted (I have since discovered), and between September and June you attend 4 weekends covering 4 subjects in year 1 and 3 plus the project in year 2. Each weekend is 4 days with a day on each subject. So by a simple arithmetic calculation, 4 days on each subject multiplied by 7 subjects makes 28 days of lectures.

Each day of lectures is 6 hours, split into 4 sessions of an hour and a half, so each subject is completed in 24 hours!

Don't go thinking that anyone could sit through 24 hours in one stretch though! I often found that 3 hours into a lecture only 30 minutes had passed! Its a nightmare, cramming so much information into such a short space of time, and if you allow your concentration to wander just for a second, you are lost. After a day of lectures my brain hurts. After a weekend, it can no longer function. I am temporarily unable to speak, compose any thoughts, let alone undertake the 3 hour drive home!

I will admit, in addition to the lecture weekends a lot of research, reading, and writing assignments is required, and although they suggest 15 hours a week is needed, I don't think I ever did more than 3 a week. Now I am approaching the exams I will be spending every spare minute studying something or another, but essentially its not been a difficult road, albeit tiring, slightly interesting, and more than a little gutty.

Distance Learning is great with the social life, drinks, dinners, having a laugh, but on the downside, you are pretty much removed and detached from things. The lecturers have been excellent, offering their time to help selflessly, but I have only ever thought to approach them once or twice for help. (Maybe I should have done with Equity's and trusts!)

So there you have it, essentially a law degree in 28 days!

Now I must go and lie down. Its been a difficult weekend!

Failure

2008-04-17T06:11:00.000-07:00

There, I have said it now, Failure. Watching 'The Apprentice' with the idiots competing to work for Sir Alan, one of them couldn't bring himself to even say the word. I can.

Failure, Failure, Failure.

I have just failed an important assignment for Uni. It was an assessed assignment writing all about how some money left to an unincorporated Society would be dealt with. Clever as I am not, I spent most of my time writing about the range of options available to the courts in dealing with the wonga, instead of being specific about this particular wonga. I did include it, but obviously not well enough, so I failed.

Now I could complain that the lecturer was being particularly harsh, or that its important I passed and its not fair, but being a grown up I will take it on the chin and move on.

When I opened the envelope I must admit to a certain amount of shock and disbelief. I thought I had written a cracking piece of work, so when I saw 36%, I felt that perhaps I was looking at the wrong box, and a decent 60% would be written elsewhere. But alas, 36% was my mark.

Apparently the external board may lift it up a tad to 40%, which would be jolly decent of them, but couldn't my lecturer have done that? No, if its bad, then its bad. I can't get credit for rubbish can I.

So how do I feel? Foolish perhaps, annoyed certainly, mainly with myself, but shock and worry seem to loom large in my thoughts. I don't think I have ever failed a test before. Right from spelling tests at Juniyer Skool I have always hit the pass mark. In fact, practically everything I have ever done I hit the pass mark. Never really excel, so it must be a knack I have picked up over the years, assess what is needed, and do that, no more, no less, just whats needed. No point wasting effort getting more than is needed is there. Except, now I wish I had. Now I am annoyed with myself enough to have devised a punishing revision timetable that will leave nothing to chance in the exams.

I get to take a resit after the exams in June, and next time it will be a work of art. I will have to figure out how to make sure it is a work of art, but it will be. I know the maximum I will score for it will be 40%, but hey, if I hit the exams with plenty of knowledge I may still get a decent overall score. The assignment makes up 25% of the overall mark and must be a pass (40%)

Worry is in the mix too. I assume I can't get to the BVC without a full pass, I am sure its in the terms and conditions somewhere, worried that I have 1 last chance to get it right. Nothing in reserve now, its last chance saloon. Worried that I may look a bit silly. Ha, the others in the class will laugh, thinks he can be a barrister and he failed! Slightly worried that my other assessed assignment for Public Law, which I know to be a work of art may be rubbish too.

Looking at it in the cold light of dawn this morning (Fateful post came yesterday), I mainly feel pleased that failing is the spur I needed to really crack on and make this count. I wanted to make this years exams count anyway, but was still drifting towards them without much thought. Now I am fired up and enthusiastic.

Now I know I will pass.

Swizz

Mini-Pupillages

2008-04-08T05:41:00.000-07:00

To any aspiring barrister, 'mini's are supposed to be dreadfully important, and having done a few I thought I am reasonably well qualified to give an opinion.

My cunning plan to find where to go was quite simple, in that I purloined a copy of 'Prospects' from university which listed towards the back the top 50 mini-pupillage providers. You could try prospects.ac.uk where I assume the same info will be found.

Each chambers is listed along with their specialisms. I highlighted 17 that were in the 2 fields I was interested in (note, was) and sent them a cv and covering letter.

A couple responded with a thanks but no thanks, and then a breakthrough, I was offered one. Then another, and another, until 6 came back offering a place. To a old git with boyish good looks this was a welcome confirmation that I wasn't wasting my time at least trying to become a barrister.

So I attended the first. Family Law. (Based on my previous 'extensive' experience.) You will be told that doing a mini will help you get a feel for the chambers, to see if you feel that you would fit in. I can't actually see how that happens, as only once did I manage to get past reception into the inner reaches. Was I impressed by the cubby holes they work in? No, but if they offered me a pupillage I would snap their hand off!

So I attended court on each of the 5 days, with 5 different barristers. One was a QC, and all of them were lovely welcoming and friendly people. Even the clerks, who seemed rushed off their feet doing a job which I didn't like the look of (hassled administration it seemed) were friendly and nice.

And what did I learn from my 5 days in court?

In true Catherine Tate style, I sat at the back of the court thinking 'I could do that' It wasn't rocket science, it wasn't impossible that only the chosen few could get to grips with, it was a good job, hard work, but achievable. Further confirmation that one day, my son, I will be a barrister.

One other thing I did learn was to make sure you have read all of the documents prior to arriving at court. It doesn't give a good impression frantically reading and taking notes all day.

You should always ask for a copy of the papers being used in court as it helps to follow proceedings if you can understand what they are doing.

My second mini was professional misconduct, contracts that had gone wrong etc. I quite enjoyed that, but learn one more very important lesson:

Whatever area of law you go into, once you know the law, the process of being a barrister is the same. You find your arguments, spot the other sides weaknesses, build your case around those.

I have also done what I had believed the worst of the worst areas, landlord/tenant stuff. (I hated Land law) Surprisingly, I enjoyed it so much I even contemplated trying to work in it. Have also done Personal Injury which was fab, and now I want to do that. Ideally, I would like to do a variety or areas, but realistically I suppose I will fall into one area and stick there.

Of all the mini's I have done, everybody without exception has been lovely, welcoming and friendly. I have no idea what any of the chambers are really like behind reception, so have no idea whether I would fit in or not.

On the whole, I enjoyed them all and can't wait to be complete my pupillage and start work in earnest.

I did speak to the person who I wrote to asking for a mini and asked him why he had chosen me. Gather round and listen carefully, this is important.

'He said that he gets hundreds of letters. Hundreds and hundreds. Most of them say, 'I have excellent grades, I enjoy playing football on saturdays, I want to be a barrister, can I have a mini-pupillage?' He discards those straight away. he is looking for something that stands out, that marks you as being someone with a talent for something that will benefit the chambers, or something that stands you out from the crowd. He couldn't actually remember what it was on mine that had stood out, but I don't exactly have a conventional background so it could have been one of a number of things!

Mini-pupillages, essential, good fun, enjoyable, tiring!

Lost?

2008-04-01T03:07:00.001-07:00

Did I say that I was new to blogging and that it would come to me?

Well, I lost the blog. Whatever i tried I couldn't get back here to see what I had typed, or if anyone commented. Lo and behold 2 comments. Cricky Moses.

How did you know I had posted or even begun a blog? Its all a mystery to me.

Also my tried and tested password didn't seem to work either. Oh well, I think its sorted now.

Cheers Mr P, and Law Girl for finding me.

Well, the scholarship I didn't get, but it was very interesting attending the interview, and i think I took a lot of encouragement from it.

You see, from my lowly beginnings, brought up on the wrong side of the tracks, destined for a manual job and no big prospects, life took a new turn when I divorced and discovered that the legal aid solicitor my ex-wife used was a nincompoop and that I could draw swords and fight just as well as she could.

As an LIP I seemed to manage pretty well, and began to assist others until I wondered just how difficult would it be to qualify and do this properly.

Hence my new found career prospects ahead.

As mature student, and I mean mature, I have found it very interesting and quite good fun. Like being in the army, which I did for a while when I left school, it isn't fun while you are there doing it, but looking back its quite good fun really.

Never having attained a degree of any sort, I managed to wangle a certificate of Academic Standing from the Law Society to get onto the Graduate Diploma in law, which draws to a conclusion in 3 months. 2.5 months!

I was accepted into an Inn, and offered two places for the BVC, which again, is encouraging me to continue. I have done 4 minis, and I really do think that it is all acheivable.

First Steps

2008-02-25T02:58:00.001-08:00

As a prospective candidate for the bar, I thought I would mark my journey from the first proper event in that path, the interview for a scholarship.

I suppose had I thought of doing the blog earlier, I could have started when I applied for the BVC last month, or applied for the GDL a year or so ago, or even perhaps when I thought of trying to become a barrister, last summer, or when my interest in law and studying began, although i can't for the life of me be certain when that was.

So here i am. I have the idea. I have the determination. I have some hope. (Quite a lot of hope actually, but thats another story). I love reading other blogs, and although I don't really know how to do this blogging thing, I suppose I will pick it up as I go along.

So here I am, fresh faced, eager and willing, with a target ahead of me which will bring be untold fortune and fame. Or maybe just a job as a barrister.

As blogs seem to be anonymous, I will start off that way, but should I be too worried about people knowing who i am? I don't think it is crucial, so i may lay myself bare to ridicule and derision, or perhaps impress certain people. (I know some of my school teachers would/should be impressed, but I was at school sooo long ago they are probably all dead by now.)

Anyway, I will see if this first post works, and if so, I will move onto a little history of how I managed to reach this far.